Teresa Strasser, if we made you cry, we apologize!
But come on. Did we really make you cry? Really? From a listen to the evidence, it seems more likely you made up the story to carry out a hit on behalf of your bosses!
And the hit was on us, a puny-- though qualified-- voice in cyberspace.
We got word yesterday that Teresa, who does double duty at the execrable Adam Carolla radio show and the syndicated TV series based on the corporate porn-pushing gossip site TMZ.com, talked about us on the radio. And thanks to fans at the Adam Carolla message board, we were able to hear what she said about us.
Teresa, Teresa, Teresa… The poor gal, who for months has been a sexual punching bag for Carolla and crew, whose radio persona is based on whining about her unlucky-at-love status, and who is now aligned with a heartless tabloid series, actually claimed that one of our reports made her cry.
Teresa didn’t mention us by name, but gave enough hints that within minutes, our Tabloid Baby items were already posted on Carolla message boards and fan sites. And though she sounded to be speaking extemporaneously during the segment, anaysis shows that it's more likely she was referring to, and reading from notes (whenever she was interrupted mid-sentence by Carolla, she returned to the same point, verbatim)-- notes that were inaccurate.
To be blunt, she lied. In fact, Teresa’s complaint, which forms the basis of a 23 minute and 25 second Carolla show segment, appears to be the first diversionary counterattack from TMZ in wake of the every serious questions raised in our recent reports about the site.
You can hear the Carolla radio segment here, under the “Too Hot for Radio” link.
Our transcript follows, with footnotes:
ADAM CAROLLA: Teresa was a little dejected this morning due to an Internet blogger making nasty comments about her this week, but we all know she's the hottest thing in radio and now that she's on TMZ, the hottest on TV for that matter.
TERESA STRASSER: Maybe I had to put in a little extra effort because I had a rough day yesterday. I was just telling Brian, there’s this, um, media blogger, for some reason he just hates me (1), and um he never writes about the contents of anything I do or my writing, he just writes about how ugly I am (2)?
(Recorded gag effect: “What is it with this Jew?”)
AC: This is a media blogger. What is a “media blogger,” exactly?
TS: This guy has a site. I don’t want to say the name of it. (3)
AC: All right.
TS: But he writes about media. He covers— that’s his beat. He writes about our show here, the Adam Carolla Show, and he writes about TMZ. (4)
AC: Does he cover it from his mom’s basement—
TS: “Heee-- Yes--
AC: Or is it a real gig?
TS: Yes. He’s written a book in the past and I think he used to work on Hard Copy. But he can’t work in television any more. (5)
(Recorded gag soundbite: “I’m explosive!”)
TS (cont’d): And he, uh, I never look at those things, cause as you know I can’t handle it? But yesterday I was at TMZ and I was like, ‘Aaah, I’m kinda bored, let me just—let me just google myself’ and I got about eight pages in and there was nothing but great-- people just writing the most kindhearted things, (6) and I just kept looking until I got to the thing—and this guy was so cruel, and it was just basically about how I’m hideous, and uh, and he said that I’m gonna be replaced on TMZ because, um I’m like Rachel Dratch on 30 Rock and I’m too ugly for television and they’re gonna have to replace me with Jane Krakowski. And he was like that bent nosed, pancake makeup-- uhh!!
AC: …Rachel Dratch, too ugly to do comedy?
TS: That’s what he said. (7) And by the way, I mean--
AC: That’s like being too ugly to detail cars…
TS: Well I got really, you know, in my mind-- had a conversation with this guy in my mind for about four hours, where I thought like, what do you want me to be a Barbie doll? I do the news and um, you know he’s-- I don’t think he’s ever googled me or has any idea that I, um, you know, have had a career in journalism. (8) I’m not trying to be a Maxim model.
AC: Yeah, I—I—I-- I totally concur…
TS: Oh, it said one of the reasons I was ugly was because you are wearing me out. It said "after months of Adam Carolla, she’s worse for wear." (9)
At this point, co-host Danny Bonaduce goes into a funny riff on comments on the TMZ website about his own appearance.
TS: I-- I try. I try to put – I, I try to put it out of my mind because I thought this is just one guy and I’ve, I’ve been really lucky I’ve had nothing but mostly nice things written about me. But I woke up this morning and the first thing, about three seconds into consciousness, I just thought. “I’m so ugly, I’m too ugly for television.” I started crying. I had to wake up Batman. I’m like, “Batman, am I ugly?! Do I look like Rachel Dratch? I’m too ugly!”
AC: Well, okay, cup-- couple of things.
TC: I can’t move on and I can’t let go.
AC: I understand…
TS: Can’t let go.
AC: People-- People are, people are cruel. People are cruel. Um--
TS: Ouch! Ouch!
AC: Now the Internet has become what used to be the car window at sixty miles an hour…
TS: Yeah, like, “Hey, fat ass!”
At this point, Carolla launches into a braying, droning three minute and 32 second “rant” about the Internet, automobiles, Suge Knight, writing emails and the appearance of TV commentators and comedians, before taking a phone call from a listener who tells Teresa, “You’re much too pretty for radio” and suggests that the media blogger must “be on crack.”
AC: First thing I hate is the inaccuracy…
Carolla now launches into a braying, droning one minute and 22 second rant about reviews of The Man Show before Bonaduce gets a word in edgewise.
"To be honest, I got this jobTS: Well, it was weird, when I first started working here at the Adam Carolla Show, this same site wrote a very lengthy piece, all of which was inaccurate, And I was shocked that he never fact checked-- it wasn’t mean to me so it didn’t hurt but he wrote, his thesis was-- and he, and he wrote it as fact, he said “CBS radio got together and all the suits got together’ and I think the headline was “Girl saves drowning show.” And it said they needed a liberal to save the show (10)and it was this whole cra—I’m-- first of all—I, I’m not that liberal, I’m fiscally conservative, I’m, I don’t believe in affirmative action, I don’t support a lot of welfare programs-- I’m not that liberal! And secondly—
basically because you, Adam,
flipped a coin between me
and some girl with better boobs.”
DB: Not a huge fan of comedy—
TS: And secondly, there was, there was a hu—there was never a huge meeting with any suits in New York, I never met anyone in New York and to be honest I got this job basically because you Adam flipped a coin between me and some girl with better boobs.
TS: I mean was there ever a powwow about hiring a liberal?
TS: And this was completely, completely fabricated.(11)
AC: Yeah, yeah. That’s how it works.
At this point, Bonaduce speaks about Carolla’s cult of admiring fans.
Carolla launches into a braying, droning one minute and 26 second about laughing at his own farts and other people’s farts before Bonaduce gets another word in.
The segment ends with Carolla and Bonaduce assuring Teresa Strasser that she isn’t ugly. Carolla goes into a braying, droning two minute and 13 second rant about the “cut off point” of ugliness.