Heather Mills gets the boot

Less than a week after Sanjaya Malakar was eliminated mysteriously from American Idol, one-legged "charity campaigner," former porn model, Paul McCartney exploiter and British pariah Heather Mills was sent hopping from Dancing with The Stars, leaving most Americans confused about who she is or why she was on the show for any thing other than freak show value.

Paul McCartney's estranged second wife, who entered his life as he mourned the death of his longtime mate Linda, and entered the competition as a way of rehabilitating her image in the wake of overwhelmingly negative press in the UK surrounding her divorce demands, was constantly hyped in Dancing as the disabled, handicapped, one-legged "charity campaigner." But her performances were marked by superhuman vaults, cartwheels and flips, were made possible by a series of Flubber-like state-of-the-art bionic prosthetic legs that some said gave her an unfair advantage over the other contestants.

Despite that her scores remained low in the past two weeks (Dancing rates contestants on a slippery mix of viewer votes and judges' calls) and she was booted last night.

In an ironic twist, Mills, who is known in the UK for being less than charitable to the "little people" who work for her, pulled out a prepared speech and thanked hairstylists and others who helped her in the past weeks. She claimed her stint on the show helped the animal activist cause, and as a hurried footnote, urged viewers to "go vegan"on Mondays (Dancing's night). That final word may have been a stab at McCartney, whose first wife Linda was the world's foremost vegan activist, and whose upcoming album reportedly contains not only a loving tribute to Linda but a few jabs at his high-maintenance trophy wife.

Throughout her stay on Dancing, Mills was feted with hagiographic tributes and neither McCartney nor her controversial past were ever mentioned. Infotainment shows like Extra! cooperated in providing slobbering selected coverage in an implicit deal to help Mills get a Stateside TV gig. It's unclear whether the ploy backfired.

Now for the conspiracy part...

Now that Heather and her collection of special legs has cleared out of Television City, will Paul McCartney show up on the rival Idol event, which is doing some real charity campaigning this week?

Macca had been rumoured to be a guest mentor on Idol this season. He reportedly backed out of appearing on British Invasion night (and was replaced by the equally legendaryand influential Peter Noone and Lulu) because of Mills' Dancing styint. Should McCartney appear on tonight's Idol Gives Back charity event, we'll be convinced that that everything is connected.

McCartney Crack-Up: Heather tries to get a leg up

FICTION: "Heather has partied with and dated Arabs"
FACT: "Heather married Alfie Karmal in 1989, his father was Arabic, his mother was Greek, making him half Arabic. She has dated men of many nationalities, English, Italian, Arabic, Slovenian and so on, hardly a crime! They range from poverty stricken to exceptionally rich and back again. To make a big deal of this is only laughable. Is she only allowed to date caucasian men from the UK of average income ?!"

The Paul McCartney-Heather Mills separation and probable divorce is sad and hilariously entertaining-- and not for the obvious reasons. Unlike say, Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards, who trade vile accusations and lay out their briefs in the court of public opinion, this is a case of very powerful public people doing whatever they can to control the coverage, the spin and headlines (see Jared Paul Stern and Tabloid Baby), and freaking out when they fail.

McCartney is using his website to urge fans to “pay no attention to that man behind that curtain!” and ignore what they read in the papers.

Even funnier is a site that’s been floating out there for some time. The Heather Mills McCartney website is run by her sister Fiona. Most all of it is dedicated to correcting "misconceptions" about the nudie model divorcee who lost her leg in a traffic accident, sold her story to the tabloids from her hospital bed, then snagged the elderly, mourning, widowed McCartney and apparently nagged him to separation:

“I find it almost impossible to put into words for you all just how angry and hurt I am by the treatment Heather has received from so much of the media since she met and fell in love with Paul in 1999... Lots of people say to me, ‘Oh just ignore it Fiona, nobody believes it anyway.’… Certainly, it is easier to ignore the stupid little comments, such as ‘How much cellulite does she have?… But stop for just one minute and imagine how it would feel to have your family and loved ones sprawled across the front pages; put down by people they’ve never met 'She's a gold digger, a fantasist'; to read lies written by people who were paid to ‘spill the beans’ about a life you are part of and through which they may have passed just briefly; how it feels to know that your friends and family are being door-stepped and harassed by journalists simply because they know you…”

Sheesh. What are you journos doing in England? These people definitely feel harassed.

But the website’s a hoot. It hasn’t been updated to cover the separation, but does include a handy “Facts & Fiction” page that covers “some of the most common inaccuracies printed about Heather; the truth is written alongside each one.”

Remember, this gal’s got quite a history, so there are dozens, including:

FICTION: "Heather failed as a model and only did glamour modelling"
FACT: This is quite simply untrue. Heather did many modelling campaigns and catwalk work but reputable companies are not in the habit of selling photos to the press. This means that the only ones you get to see are photos from her brief stint as a glamour model when her ex-husband sent off a photo to a newspaper and got her involved as a teenager.

FICTION: "Heather is a publicity seeker"
FICTION: "Heather is a gold digger and married Paul for his money"
FICTION: "Heather lied that her Mother lost her leg at a young age also"
FICTION: "Heather is always clinging on to Paul"
FICTION: "Heather pushed Paul to reverse the song-writing credits on Lennon/McCartney songs to McCartney/Lennon”
FICTION: "Heather took over the Adopt A Minefield LA gala and made the audience uncomfortable"
FICTION: "Heather is heavily criticised for removing her prosthetic leg on CNN's Larry King Live"
FICTION: "Heather didn't enjoy herself at Stella's wedding and made Paul leave early"
FICTION: "Heather makes Paul go to the opening of an envelope"
FICTION: "Heather forces Paul to do 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire'"

Click here to read Heather’s sister’s side of the story.

And heck, click here to see those nudie “glamour shots.”

The Ballad of Heather Mills & Patti Petite

With porny shots and risqué revelations multiplying faster than our crack staff could post them, we began to feel sorry for Paul McCartney’s naughty and nasty estranged Heather Mills. Almost.

Until we Googled “one-legged porn starlet” and happened upon the sad story of poor Patti Petite.

From 1985 to 1988, Patti was a very active porn star, blazing her way through dozens of X-rated films and videos like A Star Is Porn, Behind The Back Door, Bi & Large and Best of Rambone (titles that surely edge out the Sun's “Strawberry Feels Forever” and “Abbey Rude”).

According to the lively Excalibur Films website, Patti, like Heather Mills, “was one of the most rough and ready of all the 80's porno strumpets” and “a tenacious sexual athlete.”

Like Heather, her “…blonde hair framed a striking face, a vivacious visage whose sensual leers could raise the dead.”

Like Heather in her photo shoots, and allegedly in her relations with old Beatle Paul, “Patti always brought tons of full-throttle energy to her on-screen sexing… Her passion and enthusiasm were palpable, and she especially liked it when things were at their wildest…”

And tragically, like Heather, Patti Petite’s sexy shoot paydays were cut short, when in 1988, “she got into a car wreck while driving with fellow pornstress Tiffany Lane. Tiffany Lane died in the carnage, while Patti Petite was so severely injured that she had to have a leg amputated. The loss of her limb also proved to be the loss of her carnal career, as there was little call for a one-legged porn starlet at that time.”

Five years later, porny model Heather Mills would lose a leg when she was hit by a motorcycle cop while crossing the road!

But what a difference a few years, some brains, ambition, imagination and a lonely old recently-widowed ex-Beatle make. Heather would find the loss of her limb only helped in her walk to fame and fortune, leading to a career as a serious spokesmodel, and in fact posing no hindrance-- and according to some tabloid accounts may indeed have added some spice-- to her relationship with and eventual marriage to Paul McCartney.

All this, despite another bizarre coincidence: Leggy Mountbatten, manager of Neil Innes’ legendary Beatles parody group, The Rutles, “had lost a leg in the closing overs of World War Two!”

Heather, it could have been worse. Join Tabloid Baby in lifting a legful to Patti Petite, porn star-- the kind of the girl who makes the News of The World, years before Heather Mills.

Is Heather Mills cheating?

The promotion for Dancing with The Stars makes it clear that one celebrity comes to the dance floor with a tremendous handicap. But three weeks into the competition, many are saying that the combination of judges' sympathy and state-of-the-art bionic prosthetics are giving the one-legged, Beatle-fleecing porn model-turned- "charity campaigner" Heather Mills an unfair leg up on the competition. (Apologies for the "leg up" pun).

Mills, a hated figure in Britain because of her ugly divorce battle with the beloved Paul McCartney, is using the show to rehabilitate her image and perhaps begin a Sarah Ferguson-like career in the States. From the beginning, she's played along with the producers' crass promotion, expressing fears that her fake leg will fly off on live television, and playing up her disability by walking down the stage stairway like Jerry Lewis in Cinderfella.

Yet, for two weeks in a row, she's executed superfluous backflips during her dance routines, landing hard on the prosthetic and rebounding like the Son of Flubber. The controversial secret was revealed in the video package that preceded her dance.

Mills was shown stumbling and fumbling in rehearsals, and complaining that she'd be unable to dance "The Jive" because "You try and hop on a leg that's like concrete and the other leg bounces up and down like a trampoline."

But then she said she'd "go and see the "prosthestist" for relief.

Her words came as a jolt, since Mills, who's been accused of being a former call girl, pronounced the word "PROS-the-thist," leaving the impression she was going to visit some hookers.

No such luck.

She was next shown being fitted with a new, "special" leg that, after adjustments and tightening, allowed her to dance and bounce with ease.

That, combined with a second show-offy cartwheel, was enough to win more sympathy points from the judges and put her in a four-way tie for first place with Joey Fatone, Ian Ziering and Leeza Gibbons. Judge Bruno Tonioli called her "the incredible Heather Mills": "One, two, three legs, I don't care how many-- you did a fantastic job."

Reports say Mills paid for the special leg herself. There is no indication that show producers examined it. Is this the equivalent of a corked bat in baseball? Or worse--steroids?

Heather Mills amputates her past

ABC fulfilled its part of the bargain with Heather Mills' appearance on Dancing with the Stars last night. The woman known in most of the English-speaking world as the hard-boiled, attention-grabbing fantasist who married Paul McCartney in his lowest hour, then played dirty pool in her effort to fleece him in divorce, is now "an inspiration"... with "more guts than Rambo"... and, drummed over and over again... not a gold-digging former porn model and alleged call girl... but a "charity campaigner."

McCartney's name was never uttered. Whether that's due to lawyers' letters or part of the plan to present Heather as blank slate syndicated talk show candidate, the show's "first performer with an artificial limb" was presented as an odd celebrity without portfolio (and without the lower part of her left leg).

The familiar Heather only showed up between the lines: the way she twisted her face and talked out of the side of her mouth like Dick Cheney... her disingenuous claim that she was "not used to dressing up at this level" in her "ice cream sundae" gown-- followed by cohost Samantha Harris' quip, "Somebody get her some whipped cream" (obviously forgetting Heather's porny --NSFW-- photos)... and Heather's line to the judges: "Just don't ask me to point that foot! If you can point it, I'll give you a million dollars." After the McCartney settlement, she can afford to throw around a million bucks.

Not everyone bought into the new Heather. The Dancing with the Stars message boards were filled with anti-Heather postings:

"Is there anyone besides me who has a problem with a former call girl who posed nude in sexual situations now being called a 'charity campaigner' and hero for the disabled? Why would ABC put a person like this on a family show? Her nude shots (with a man) are available to anyone who can google, including my friend's older teenagers who were pulling up the pictures and laughing at them as she danced. In the UK she has a disabled parking badge. In the US she is dancing and doing high kicks."

"She is whorible"

"Judge her harshly? Are you crazy? She's being judged for being a gold digger and trying very hard to screw Sir Paul McCartney! Don't you read the news??? Jeez..."

"I, for one, am appalled that she is trying to make herself out to be something she's not right now. And I will not watch the show until she is OFF! Shame on ABC!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Thirty-nine year-old Heather and her partner wound up in the middle of the pack, placing seventh with eighteen points. The gambling site Bodog.com is among those taking bets on whether Heather's artificial leg will at one point fly off during the competition.

(See some of the NSFW photos from Heather's X-rated past here)

US TV show to bend over for Heather Mills

Now that she’s fleeced poor old Paul McCartney, one-legged former porn model and alleged one-time call girl Heather Mills is working once again to use the compliant American media to rake in more millions while legitimizing her deceptions and fantasies to an unwary public.

Days after landing a the of confusing the. Days after landing £24million for a four-year marriage that humiliated poor old Paul McCartney, Heather is still railing against the generous judge who also labeled her a Pornocchio fantasist (we said it first), and now the British tabloids are reporting she’s hired “feminist” lawyer Gloria Allred (who’s really a very sweet person when the cameras are turned off) to broker a million dollar American TV deal in which Heather will hop around the settlement’s confidentiality clause by having her sister Fiona (the portrait to Heather’s Dorian Gray) dish out the dirty details of the Macca-Mucca marriage to a show like 20/20 or Entertainment Tonight.

And you can be assured in advance: Heather's people will write the story. It's the norm in backroom deals like this for the news organization to agree to ground rules, guaranteeing that any reportage will be very "pro Heather," and that certain unsavory issues will not be broached or even circled.

And they'll deny paying for the interview, claiming that any money changing hands was for exclusive video or photos.

They'll be lying.

So if anyone saw humour or irony when Heather hopped onto Dancing with The Stars last year, identified only as a “charity campaigner,” or was puzzled back in November 2006 when the tabloid show Extra paid for a Heather exclusive that avoided all talk of the divorce, well, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Stay tuned for American news and infotainment TV hypocrisy,where the “truth” goes to the highest bidder.

See Heather Mills’ very NSFW nude photos here.

And while we're at it, a tip of the Tabloid Baby hat to the hacks at the UK Sun, who've had so much fun advancing this story...

Day 5: Not getting better

The McCartney-Mills divorce settlement hearing is set to go into extra innings, thanks to The brawl was supposed to be broken up today, but the judge has set aside more time for next week, thanks partly to her decision to represent herself against the most powerful and expensive lawyers in England. She's due to cross-examine him this morning, though she won't be allowed to bring up her claims that he used to be cruel to her and beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved, because the judge says it's not relevant to how much he's going to pay out for his big mistake (and she certainly won't be asking about his reaction to her NSFW porno pix).

The action got started on the way into court. After he refused to sign a fan's copy of The White Album, saying "I can't sign that here," she ran over and told the guy, "You should have told him that it's his fans who made him rich and famous. You put him where he is." Then she autographed his notebook, writing: "To Joe, lots of love, Heather Mills." Now she's signing autographs.

(Meanwhile, a tip of the Tabloid Baby hat to crazy Liam Gallagher, singer with Beatles- ripping Oasis-- the world's greatest rock 'n roll band-- for getting married yesterday while Macca and Mucca rowed, giving hope that an Oasis-style divorce riot will break out in the same courts in a year or two. And no tip at all to Oasis' up-themselves management, who kept Liam and big brother Noel from The Seventh Python).

The truth behind the McCartney accusations?

No, we don’t believe pothead skinflint Paul McCartney was the drunken abuser Heather Mills claims he was. He’d beat her? He’s a billionaire. He could pay someone for that. He’d deny the gal the chance to breastfeed (unless it was a vegan thing)? Just remember Linda. He didn’t even to ask her to shave her legs. We can see him denying Heather the golden bedpan. Who’d want her pissing up the bed? He’s a billionaire. He could pay someone to do that.

Our friends over at the scandalous, essential Popbitch have come up with a good reason for Heather’s firebomb. It seems that Heather is desperate as her chance at hopping away with Macca’s millions might be slipping away. And it’s not simply that McCartney’s legal team has been playing hardball with the one-legged lottery winner since they re-leaked all those naked photos that Heather posed for in her leggy youth.

Popbitch reports that Heather’s lawyers “had suggested to Heather that they weren't sure she should be entitled to anything from Sir Paul as she had misrepresented herself at the time of the wedding by not revealing she had, in effect, been a prostitute.” (The British tabloids dredged up allegations this summer that Heather had been a high-end call girl for clients including Adnan Khashoggi and Arab princes.)

Now that we've covered that, let’s get another look at those great Heather Mills nudie, S&M’y sex photos here… here… here… here… here… and here!

Exclusive! Heather Mills naked nude & having sex!

Crazy amputee and former porn model Heather Mills gets some more publicity in the UK tonight as a Channel 4 documentary special, “Heather Mills: What Really Happened,” sorts through the stories, lies, legends, accusations and escapades of and about a self-made public figure who, though not loved, is definitely one of the most colorful characters in pop culture. Sounds like good stuff, if only because Channel 4 docos turn out to be a lot more sordid and straightforward than the bowdlerized judgmental tabloid churned out by the 20/20 and Dateline pieces we get here (the syndicated tabloid shows simply agree to let the subject call the shots in exchange for exclusivity). And we do like how they have the balls to not put a question mark at the end of the title because we can only attempt to sort out the “truth” among all the stories that’ve come out about the one-legged fantasist since she hooked with poor old mourning Paul McCartney and fleeced him for £24 million.

Topping the list tonight is a probe into the many stories about Heather working as a “high class” call girl in her earlier days, an accusation backed by many an interview with a former hooker who’s claimed to have worked with Heather but whose veracity could always be challenged because of the British tabloids’ practice of paying for interviews (it makes it all the easier for them to take the gist of an interview and make up the quotes). Topping the bill tonight is a Geordie ex-vice girl named Denise who reminisces about her and Heather’s time together in the 1980s when she alleges they sold their bodies for sex and raked in big money.

 The 44-year-old former model has some corkers of quotes:

“We have a naughty background. We went into high-class prostitution behind closed doors. 

There were 10 of us. We are select girls from Newcastle and we kept it close-knit with three of the most powerful men in the world. (A tip of the Tabloid Baby hat to the late Kerry Packer for making that list). 

They were the big fish. We also had others who were classed as sugar daddies.

 We used to get a lot of jewellery as gifts – rings, watches, Bulgari bracelets, cars. The world was our oyster. We enjoyed it.

“We would have full-on sex with a guy. We’d do girlie-girlie scenes. Always girlie-girlie scenes.

 I mean 99.9% of men like a girlie- girlie scene. It’s a play act. You need to be an actress. Whatever you want out of life, you’ve got to act for.


“No-one knew what we did and we didn’t expect it would come out.

I don’t look on it as sleazy. It was experiencing something we couldn’t have experienced if we hadn’t done this.

I mean working-class women wouldn’t get £10,000 a night. 

People go out in Newcastle and do it for free, then can’t remember the next day who they have been with.”



Heather’s denied it. But you can go here and here and here on this misguided and unauthorized Tabloid Baby “tribute” site for lots more saucy, naked and definitely NSFW photos of Heather Mills, woman who could be a creation of Thackery or Dickens and whose picaresque adventures are not over yet.

Heather Mills' one-legged nude photo gallery

Leave it to the blokes at the News of The World to have a surplus of porn featuring Paul McCartney's sad but infinitely richer ex-wife Heather Mills. And leave it to them to censor the naughty bits so the entire family can enjoy the pix together. This latest, not the porniest but perhaps most disturbing batch, is said to date to 1999, shortly before she got her talents into old Paul, long after she'd claimed to have gotten over the porno bug, and definitely after she'd lost her leg.

The fabulist fantasist supposedly planned to use the photos to promote her campaign against landmines. Insert joke here.

And see a NSFW collection of Heather Mills' greatest, er, hits, here.

UPDATE: More, bigger, Heather Mills unidexter cheesecake pix are here...

McCartney Crack-Up: New Heather sex pix!

The McCartney marriage fiasco only gets more interesting. As estranged wife Heather Mills threatens to sue the News of World over a story claiming she worked as a high-priced hooker, with clients including Arab princes and Adnan Khashoggi in her early years, the Sun tabloid has dug up--or been handed-- even more Heather sex photos, from yet another sex book published in 1988 (the "volume — with many pictures too filthy to print in a family newspaper— was published by New York firm Arlington and sold worldwide through an erotic book club") .

The British press is mauling poor Heather, and getting away with it for more than one reason. On one hand, there's affection for old Beatle Paul as he approaches 64. On the other, she's got a reputation as a not particularly nice person. The Brits love the Charles Dickens story of one-legged street urchins workign their way into the upper classes-- but not when the urchin forgets her humble roots. One of Tabloid Baby's UK producer pals worked with Heather on a project and says she kowtowed to the bosses but was a witch to the little folk. Her comeuppance shows there's real wisdom in the great Sam Butera's credo: "It's nice to be important, but it's important to be nice."

Meanwhile, old McCartney had been using his website to correct the most innocuous of news reports regarding the split, yet there's been nary a post since the destruction campaign began-- not even to defend his "Lady" against prostituion charges-- as her camp denies them.

Our theory? That McCartney's camp has a hand in it all. Those photos have been around--and so have the hooker stories and alleged witnesses. The Macca folk made sure they didn't surface when the marriage took place. But now that big divorce money is at stake, Heather has been nuked.

(See the latest Sun photos here.)

Adam Carolla is the new Heather Mills

Ha! Don't we have a lot of influence! From Harvey Levin to Heather Mills, offensive media figures only seem to rise in stature and success after they cross the Tabloid Baby radar screen and become the subjects of our howling warnings into the wind! The latest recipient of the inverse effects of our inveighing is the boorish and boring morning radio "host" Adam Carolla. The egomaniacal mediocrity who's punished LA radio listeners with his repetitive, elongated dronings for more than two years now since he was sadistically given Howard Stern's morning show, has just ben handed a gig on a popular reality TV series and is probably on his way to mainstream stardom despite of-- hey, more likely because of-- our attentions!

Carolla's ties to mentor and business partner Jimmy Kimmel got him the radio show and have kept him on the air. Now the Kimmel connection has paid off once again, as Carolla's been selected as one of the competitors in the sixth season of ABC's Dancing with The Stars (Kimmel, ABCs late night host, does comedy segments on the series). And just as producers referred to Season Four competitor Mills, best known as a one-legged former porn model and alleged prostitute and Paul McCartney nemesis, as a "charity campaigner," so is Carolla named in production notes as a "TV and radio personality." Sure, the Dancing contestants are a mangy brood of D-list wannabes, has beens, never wases and never heard ofs, but they do tend to get more work from the gig. And though we wonder how Carolla's homophobic fratboy fanbase will handle the news (our guess is that he'll cast himself in the "nimble boxer" role that Evander Holyfield and Floyd Mayweather held in past seasons), at this point, we're betting on Larry Baras becoming the next commissioner of Major League Baseball. That's just how influential we are, and how much our opinion counts.

Heather looks to get a leg up on 'Dancing'

Hey, we can't make this stuff up! It's being reported that Heather Mills has signed up for the new season of ABC's Dancing with The Stars. The future ex-Mrs. Paul McCartney, as you may know, would enter the competition with a handicap.

She's only got one leg.

"The one-legged gold-digging former porn model and ex-hooker," as she's known to readers of the British tabloids, would love nothing better than to become America's beloved underdog. And with fellow Brit Sarah Ferguson (whose tabloid rep, coincidentally, is also tied to her lower extremities with those notorious toe-sucking pix) withdrawing from contention as a Dancing dancer, she's got her chance.

Thanks in part to Paul McCartney's pull in the UK, the ugly divorce and revelations about her porny past have helped make Heather the most despised woman in all of England. Here in the States, though, infotainment shows like Extra, and now Access Hollywood, which reports the Dancing news, have been much kinder to Heather-- because that's the agreement they make in order to get an interview with her.

It doesn't matter. The British accent will have most viewers thinking Heather's as royal as Denise van Outen on Grease You're The One That I Want! And what do you bet the announcement convinces McCartney to one-up her by appearing on American Idol?

McCartney Crack-Up: Heather the Whore?

Sheesh. Those British tabloid animals have us almost feeling sorry for Heather Mills!

While the UK Sun, which has been doling out Heather nudie and "porn" photos this week, ups the ante with video of Heather stripping down in her “glamour model” days, the News of The World goes all out and says it has proof that Paul McCartney’s estranged wife was once a high-class call girl!

Who's behind the attacks? We checked McCartney’s website. No response. No clarification. No defense.

Only a couple of weeks back, he was going crazy with clarifications and attempts at spin control on innocuous stories about child custody arrangements and the like. But that was before Heather announced she might be doing a Lady Diana-style TV interview to reveal her side of the May-December debacle.

Once Heather’s teams began to position, someone slipped the porno shots to the Sun.

And now this: accusations she was a hooker for clients including Adnan Khashoggi and Arab princes. You think Macca’s people didn’t have the goods on Heather before the marriage? Could someone on his team be behind the latest revelations? Paul, hit that website and say it ain't so.

McCartney Crack-Up: Who leaked Heather sex pix?

Paul McCartney’s estranged wife Heather Mills is back in the UK Sun newspaper in a second round of simulated sex photos dug up from a 1988 German love manual.

While her people dispute the Sun’s claim that the pix are “hard porn,” we can’t help but notice that Paul for once isn’t using his website to set the record straight.

Hmmm… with word that Heather is planning to reveal secrets of the broken marriage in a Diana-style BBC interview on the BBC, we’d venture a guess that McCartney’s people leaked the photos. Macca might be a wide-eyed romantic, but he's a thrifty one-- and she didn't sign a pre-nup.

(Meanwhile, see the photos here. The Sun claims the uncensored versions show Heather in the vicinity of a “sex toy” and “erect manhood.” If you have the originals that prove or disprove the “hard porn” claim, send them here.)

Macca divorce settled: All she needs is cash

A judge has awarded Heather Mills a settlement of £24.3 million in her divorce from old Paul McCartney (the LA Times estimates the total at $48.6 million). She said this morning she was happy with the dough (even though she wanted £125 million), but then raged on the courthouse steps that the settlement was made public only to make old Paul look "generous." She added that old Paul had offered her £15.8 million, then attacked the legal establishment, claiming "these people are in a club" and don't want people who show up in court without lawyers, like her, to succeed.

The end to Mills' public career comes on the same day that in a parallel universe, The Rutles are reuniting for a 30th anniversary screening of the TV special and DVD favorite, All You Need Is Cash, at the Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood, the timing of which causes us to wonder why the media has not made more out of the incredible coincidences linking the Beatles and their satiric counterparts, not the least of which is the fact that both the Rutles' manager Leggy Mountbatten and former porn model and alleged prostitute Heather each get around on one leg.

(And for old times' sake, find Heather Mills' NSFW --not safe for work or public viewing-- nude photos here.)

Heather Mills' porno past: The tale of the teddy

Interesting note: analysis of the latest spread-eagle shots of Heather Mills show she's wearing the same lacy get-up she sports in simulated sex scenes with an aroused male model in the photo shoot for the 1988 German "sex manual" Die Freuden Der Liebe (The Joys Of Love) that first came to light in June 2006 around the time her split with Paul McCartney turned ugly. She'd defended those shots as "educational," but unless Heather had only one set of crotchless unmentionables to lug to various nudie shoots, the NSFW outtake (center) which apeared in a stroke magazine and was published this week by the News of the World seems to indicate that the Joys of Love session was far more explicit than she's let on and that the opposing camp is holding the photos showing Heather and her male counterpart in hardcore situations.

That's why this latest eruption doesn't make sense in light of her recent campaign against the tabloids. Without photo or video proof, allegations of a prostitute past are easier to refute. But we'd assume that Heather remembers how she'd posed and must know that whatever skeletons remain rattling in her closet are sure to tumble out eventually.

We'd say she'd do herself and her case a lot of good by admitting upfront to the extremes we was forced to take in her hardluck past, if only to limit further ridicule.

Heather Mills' embarrassment is spreading

Heather Mills made a serious mistake when she launched her unhinged campaign against the British tabloids while simultaneously spreading damaging allegations against billionaire Paul McCartney in the middle of their divorce battle. And now she's getting the inevitable payback. We've all had a laugh at the naughty, raunchy past of the self-styled "charity campaigner" and one-legged dancer, but the hardcore porn photos that the News of The World (aka News of The Screws) somehow got a hold of are only the latest taste of revenge and probably just the latest in an escalating cache that Macca's operatives are sitting on, ready to dole out when circumstances dictate.

Click here to see the NSFW topless version of Heather's latest embarrassment. Poor dear.

(UPDATE! Click here for latest photos!)

Heather Mills, with her erogenous stump, remains the kind of a girl that makes the News of The World

Fleet Street's hard to beat when it comes to succinct headlines, and the latest example tops the News of The World's accusations that Heather Mills carried on a lusty three-legged sex affair with a randy film editor while she was dating old Paul McCartney. The story "on an affair that will stun the nation" is timed to throw off and discredit the bedazzled former porn model as her fight to grab a big chunk of old Macca's millions comes to a head, no pun intended, when she represents herself at the Royal Courts of Justice tomorrow. And the copy, of course, is sublime, right down to the made-up quotes:

"The one-legged ex-hooker even brazenly showed her lover Sir Paul's tender texts—before leaping into bed with Tim for marathon sex sessions...

"'Heather was insatiable between the sheets and she liked to call me her four-times-a-night guy. Our record was six.

"'Most of the time it was multiple orgasms. Heather has a very unusual erogenous zone—her stump. I used to massage one particular sensitive area of it and give her an orgasm!

"...'My friends would ask me what it was like with a woman with one leg and I'd tell them, "No different to making love to a girl with two legs".

"'I'm a fit guy but she had tremendous stamina. We'd be at it like rabbits. She was up for it anywhere too. Once she gave me a bl** j** under the desk while I was working in my editing suite. And on a holiday in South Africa we stripped and made love in the shelter of a sand dune—even though tourists were watching.'

"...Tim first met Heather on a blind date set up by a mutual friend in August 1996... At the time, Heather was already engaged to tennis organiser Marcus Stapleton— but that didn't stop her getting what she wanted. She took Tim back to the Regent's Park mews flat she shared with Marcus, who was away on business.

"Tim says: 'We lay on the bed and kissed and fondled. She wanted to have sex but I didn't think I'd be able to manage it because I was so nervous.'

They made love for the first time a few weeks later—in Marcus Stapleton's flat. 'Heather instigated it with a nice bit of oral sex then we went all the way,' says Tim.

"'There was never any awkwardness about her leg. She would take it off the same way she would a pair of slippers.'"

There's more! Check out lots of NSFW shots of Heather's past porn work here.