Sunday, July 16, 2006

Isn't Artie Lange dead already?

"I am a guy who has struggled with every kind of addiction. I love gambling, and it has gotten me into trouble before. I love drugs and booze. The drugs finally had to go, but the booze is still very much in play. And you know I love broads.

"I am definitely not someone who is embarrassed to get a hooker or two.”

That quote is from Artie Lange in a sad story in today’s LA Times Calendar section; sad because it basically takes for granted that the schlubadub comic will eventually go the Chris Farley route, sad because it picks up with his once-public struggles where he left us hanging six months ago, and sad because the 12-step blasting, politically-incorrect and embarrassing honesty was a part of our weekday mornings before he and the rest of the Howard Stern radio team were swept into the Sirius Satellite Protection Program to play out radio’s most straight-talking radio show to a miniscule paying audience.

While chubby Katie Couric jets around the country on a phony baloney meet-and-greet, selected audience tour, blowing out chunks about using the CBS Evening News to help solve world problems (the aged audience would prefer a focus on incontinence problems), there’s Stern’s radio sidekick Artie, pressing the flesh in Vegas, picking up more standup gigs, TV appearances and lowbrow movie roles, living it up, blowing tens of thousands of dollars in casinos, hiring call girls, boozing away memories of his dad the paralyzed roofer, and blathering about hookers while counting down the hours until he winds up on the floor of a high roller’s suite with his pants around his ankles and swollen tongue jutting from his vomit-flecked lips.

And most of his audience is missing Artie’s wild ride to Hell because we don’t pay for radio.

“I love gambling! I love drugs and booze! The drugs finally had to go, but the booze is still very much in play! I love broads! I am definitely not someone who is embarrassed to get a hooker or two!"

Jeez! Knucklehead honesty like that is a jolt off the newspaper page today. Think about it. Only six months ago, it was an everyday morning occurrence.

Sad. When we left off, Artie was holding it together with the first real girlfriend he’s ever had. The article lets us know it didn’t work out:

"You know, I have never been that much in love with a woman before in my life. It is the most adult like I have ever felt in a relationship. We dated for 4 1/2 years. But it has been dying a slow, painful death. I think it might be officially over. It is very hard."



Sun Follower said...

It's not *that* sad - I got Sirius Satellite Radio in time to hear the first Howard Stern show - which has never been funnier now that Howard and cast are unbridled and totally FREE to say whatever they want. This is especially ture for Artie - he has been nothing short of hysterical since he can now express himself fully. Sirius has nearly 5 million subscribers (and climbing) most (like me) of which rode the Howard wave over - but to be honest - HOward is only a part of the package - commerical-free music in all genres, sports aplenty and lots of talk and comedy shows - it is WELL WORTH the $12/mo for me. I encourage ALL fans of music and free speech to subscribe.

Anonymous said...

Yea, what's wrong with you; Sirius is the best thing thats happened to Howard. Get a job, get Sirius and stop whining, beeach!

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