McCartney Crack-Up: Heather tries to get a leg up

FICTION: "Heather has partied with and dated Arabs"
FACT: "Heather married Alfie Karmal in 1989, his father was Arabic, his mother was Greek, making him half Arabic. She has dated men of many nationalities, English, Italian, Arabic, Slovenian and so on, hardly a crime! They range from poverty stricken to exceptionally rich and back again. To make a big deal of this is only laughable. Is she only allowed to date caucasian men from the UK of average income ?!"

The Paul McCartney-Heather Mills separation and probable divorce is sad and hilariously entertaining-- and not for the obvious reasons. Unlike say, Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards, who trade vile accusations and lay out their briefs in the court of public opinion, this is a case of very powerful public people doing whatever they can to control the coverage, the spin and headlines (see Jared Paul Stern and Tabloid Baby), and freaking out when they fail.

McCartney is using his website to urge fans to “pay no attention to that man behind that curtain!” and ignore what they read in the papers.

Even funnier is a site that’s been floating out there for some time. The Heather Mills McCartney website is run by her sister Fiona. Most all of it is dedicated to correcting "misconceptions" about the nudie model divorcee who lost her leg in a traffic accident, sold her story to the tabloids from her hospital bed, then snagged the elderly, mourning, widowed McCartney and apparently nagged him to separation:

“I find it almost impossible to put into words for you all just how angry and hurt I am by the treatment Heather has received from so much of the media since she met and fell in love with Paul in 1999... Lots of people say to me, ‘Oh just ignore it Fiona, nobody believes it anyway.’… Certainly, it is easier to ignore the stupid little comments, such as ‘How much cellulite does she have?… But stop for just one minute and imagine how it would feel to have your family and loved ones sprawled across the front pages; put down by people they’ve never met 'She's a gold digger, a fantasist'; to read lies written by people who were paid to ‘spill the beans’ about a life you are part of and through which they may have passed just briefly; how it feels to know that your friends and family are being door-stepped and harassed by journalists simply because they know you…”

Sheesh. What are you journos doing in England? These people definitely feel harassed.

But the website’s a hoot. It hasn’t been updated to cover the separation, but does include a handy “Facts & Fiction” page that covers “some of the most common inaccuracies printed about Heather; the truth is written alongside each one.”

Remember, this gal’s got quite a history, so there are dozens, including:

FICTION: "Heather failed as a model and only did glamour modelling"
FACT: This is quite simply untrue. Heather did many modelling campaigns and catwalk work but reputable companies are not in the habit of selling photos to the press. This means that the only ones you get to see are photos from her brief stint as a glamour model when her ex-husband sent off a photo to a newspaper and got her involved as a teenager.

FICTION: "Heather is a publicity seeker"
FICTION: "Heather is a gold digger and married Paul for his money"
FICTION: "Heather lied that her Mother lost her leg at a young age also"
FICTION: "Heather is always clinging on to Paul"
FICTION: "Heather pushed Paul to reverse the song-writing credits on Lennon/McCartney songs to McCartney/Lennon”
FICTION: "Heather took over the Adopt A Minefield LA gala and made the audience uncomfortable"
FICTION: "Heather is heavily criticised for removing her prosthetic leg on CNN's Larry King Live"
FICTION: "Heather didn't enjoy herself at Stella's wedding and made Paul leave early"
FICTION: "Heather makes Paul go to the opening of an envelope"
FICTION: "Heather forces Paul to do 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire'"

Click here to read Heather’s sister’s side of the story.

And heck, click here to see those nudie “glamour shots.”

Heather Mills gets the boot

Less than a week after Sanjaya Malakar was eliminated mysteriously from American Idol, one-legged "charity campaigner," former porn model, Paul McCartney exploiter and British pariah Heather Mills was sent hopping from Dancing with The Stars, leaving most Americans confused about who she is or why she was on the show for any thing other than freak show value.

Paul McCartney's estranged second wife, who entered his life as he mourned the death of his longtime mate Linda, and entered the competition as a way of rehabilitating her image in the wake of overwhelmingly negative press in the UK surrounding her divorce demands, was constantly hyped in Dancing as the disabled, handicapped, one-legged "charity campaigner." But her performances were marked by superhuman vaults, cartwheels and flips, were made possible by a series of Flubber-like state-of-the-art bionic prosthetic legs that some said gave her an unfair advantage over the other contestants.

Despite that her scores remained low in the past two weeks (Dancing rates contestants on a slippery mix of viewer votes and judges' calls) and she was booted last night.

In an ironic twist, Mills, who is known in the UK for being less than charitable to the "little people" who work for her, pulled out a prepared speech and thanked hairstylists and others who helped her in the past weeks. She claimed her stint on the show helped the animal activist cause, and as a hurried footnote, urged viewers to "go vegan"on Mondays (Dancing's night). That final word may have been a stab at McCartney, whose first wife Linda was the world's foremost vegan activist, and whose upcoming album reportedly contains not only a loving tribute to Linda but a few jabs at his high-maintenance trophy wife.

Throughout her stay on Dancing, Mills was feted with hagiographic tributes and neither McCartney nor her controversial past were ever mentioned. Infotainment shows like Extra! cooperated in providing slobbering selected coverage in an implicit deal to help Mills get a Stateside TV gig. It's unclear whether the ploy backfired.

Now for the conspiracy part...

Now that Heather and her collection of special legs has cleared out of Television City, will Paul McCartney show up on the rival Idol event, which is doing some real charity campaigning this week?

Macca had been rumoured to be a guest mentor on Idol this season. He reportedly backed out of appearing on British Invasion night (and was replaced by the equally legendaryand influential Peter Noone and Lulu) because of Mills' Dancing styint. Should McCartney appear on tonight's Idol Gives Back charity event, we'll be convinced that that everything is connected.

Paul McCartney's Cracking Up

Step right this way! Watch Paul McCartney melt down online:

McCARTNEY STATEMENT – FROM PAUL AND HEATHER
17.05.2006 We have decided to go our separate ways…. We have found it increasingly difficult to maintain a normal relationship with constant intrusion into our private lives…

MESSAGE FROM PAUL
17.05.2006 I’m really disappointed that… certain people in the media… are writing things about Heather that are just plain untrue…

MEDIA REPORTS – MESSAGE FROM PAUL
17.05.2006 In reading the media reports that are coming out, I would urge people not to believe them. Almost everything I’m reading is 100% untrue. I urge people not to read this stuff and support Heather and myself at this difficult time.

ANOTHER MESSAGE FROM PAUL
18.05.2006 Seeing that so many inaccurate stories have been written at the moment about Heather and myself, all I can ask people to do is not believe them and understand that most of what is coming out is made up and entirely false. Thanks for your support.

One of the sadder and more hilarious spectacles on the Internet is Paul McCartney’s website, the platform used to announce he’s separated from his young bride— the former nudie model turned Bono/Diana wannabe, the woman who’s been using his fame to promote her causes, the stepmother his kids don’t get along with, the gal who made him dye his hair and quit smoking pot, the smartie who gave birth to an heiress of her own—and to blame the media for the breakup.

Poor old guy. He’s got a billion dollars, he’s in his sixties and Ram still holds up after 35 years, yet he feels the need to make puny pop records, run out on tour and compete with the youngsters, embarrassing himself at the Grammys and still trying to play The Cute One.

So he married too soon, to a one-legged fashion model who’s obviously got issues and ambition. And Poor Paul and his people try to make Yoko Onos of all us journos, blaming us for breaking up the Beatle’s marriage.

Where's the dignity for this billionaire? Today, he's still out there, pushing his Cabbage Patch mug into the spotlight by taunting the press on his website. Every few hours, someone in the McCartney corporation is posting statements urging fans to not believe what they read-- when as recently as last week, the “news” section of the Macca site wanted us to believe everything: PAUL ON LARRY KING LIVE TONIGHT… PM.COM MENTION IN THE TIMES (UK)… PARKINSON/CHAOS AND CREATION AT ABBEY ROAD…

Now they change their tune. Hmm... we read she made him fire his publicist. Maybe Paul should hire him back. Meanwhile, we can’t wait for the next posting!

We’ll keep you posted…

(Of course, Paul and his former bandmates are shown to be a major influence throughout Tabloid Baby. See Chapter 32, "Beat The Meatles"...)

Heather Mills amputates her past

ABC fulfilled its part of the bargain with Heather Mills' appearance on Dancing with the Stars last night. The woman known in most of the English-speaking world as the hard-boiled, attention-grabbing fantasist who married Paul McCartney in his lowest hour, then played dirty pool in her effort to fleece him in divorce, is now "an inspiration"... with "more guts than Rambo"... and, drummed over and over again... not a gold-digging former porn model and alleged call girl... but a "charity campaigner."

McCartney's name was never uttered. Whether that's due to lawyers' letters or part of the plan to present Heather as blank slate syndicated talk show candidate, the show's "first performer with an artificial limb" was presented as an odd celebrity without portfolio (and without the lower part of her left leg).

The familiar Heather only showed up between the lines: the way she twisted her face and talked out of the side of her mouth like Dick Cheney... her disingenuous claim that she was "not used to dressing up at this level" in her "ice cream sundae" gown-- followed by cohost Samantha Harris' quip, "Somebody get her some whipped cream" (obviously forgetting Heather's porny --NSFW-- photos)... and Heather's line to the judges: "Just don't ask me to point that foot! If you can point it, I'll give you a million dollars." After the McCartney settlement, she can afford to throw around a million bucks.

Not everyone bought into the new Heather. The Dancing with the Stars message boards were filled with anti-Heather postings:

"Is there anyone besides me who has a problem with a former call girl who posed nude in sexual situations now being called a 'charity campaigner' and hero for the disabled? Why would ABC put a person like this on a family show? Her nude shots (with a man) are available to anyone who can google, including my friend's older teenagers who were pulling up the pictures and laughing at them as she danced. In the UK she has a disabled parking badge. In the US she is dancing and doing high kicks."

"She is whorible"

"Judge her harshly? Are you crazy? She's being judged for being a gold digger and trying very hard to screw Sir Paul McCartney! Don't you read the news??? Jeez..."

"I, for one, am appalled that she is trying to make herself out to be something she's not right now. And I will not watch the show until she is OFF! Shame on ABC!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Thirty-nine year-old Heather and her partner wound up in the middle of the pack, placing seventh with eighteen points. The gambling site Bodog.com is among those taking bets on whether Heather's artificial leg will at one point fly off during the competition.

(See some of the NSFW photos from Heather's X-rated past here)

McCartney Crack-Up: New Heather sex pix!

The McCartney marriage fiasco only gets more interesting. As estranged wife Heather Mills threatens to sue the News of World over a story claiming she worked as a high-priced hooker, with clients including Arab princes and Adnan Khashoggi in her early years, the Sun tabloid has dug up--or been handed-- even more Heather sex photos, from yet another sex book published in 1988 (the "volume — with many pictures too filthy to print in a family newspaper— was published by New York firm Arlington and sold worldwide through an erotic book club") .

The British press is mauling poor Heather, and getting away with it for more than one reason. On one hand, there's affection for old Beatle Paul as he approaches 64. On the other, she's got a reputation as a not particularly nice person. The Brits love the Charles Dickens story of one-legged street urchins workign their way into the upper classes-- but not when the urchin forgets her humble roots. One of Tabloid Baby's UK producer pals worked with Heather on a project and says she kowtowed to the bosses but was a witch to the little folk. Her comeuppance shows there's real wisdom in the great Sam Butera's credo: "It's nice to be important, but it's important to be nice."

Meanwhile, old McCartney had been using his website to correct the most innocuous of news reports regarding the split, yet there's been nary a post since the destruction campaign began-- not even to defend his "Lady" against prostituion charges-- as her camp denies them.

Our theory? That McCartney's camp has a hand in it all. Those photos have been around--and so have the hooker stories and alleged witnesses. The Macca folk made sure they didn't surface when the marriage took place. But now that big divorce money is at stake, Heather has been nuked.

(See the latest Sun photos here.)

McCartney Crack-Up: More Impotent Rage

Paul McCartney’s website is going strong with its impotent attacks on media coverage of his marital failure, with evidence of his public breakdown mounting by the day.

John Lennon said “Imagine.”

Paul says “Don’t believe”:

A MESSAGE FROM PAUL
20.05.2006 One of the worst aspects of what Heather and I are currently going through is the malicious spreading of rumours and made up facts that is happening in some areas of the media.

The best help people can be to us is to not believe these stories and ignore the painful articles that we are having to endure. Our colleagues are doing their best to help us. We are all finding this aspect of these very difficult times most disturbing.

This morning, a new message, and Paul is apparently not even together enough to put his name to the statement:

A MESSAGE FROM PAUL’S PUBLICIST STUART BELL
21.05.2006 Paul and Heather are really upset that the media continue to run stories and speculate on stories that are clearly invented. This is a difficult time and they have both respectively asked for some privacy to work through their difficulties.

It is not easy for them at the moment having to deal with all the gossip and hurtful things that are being said. We all hope that Heather and Paul can be given some space during this period and its not made even more stressful than it already is.

This makes six desperate messages since Wednesday. We do feel sympathy for the McCartneys, the intensely private couple who obviously have no experience living through media scrutiny or creating media frenzies of their own.

We’ve been reading the coverage. We can’t figure exactly what’s getting under McCartney’s skin: articles that chart the life story and deceptions of his bride? Stories spelling out some obvious problems in a marriage whose obvious stresses caused the marriage to end? That joke about the South African gold miner? These photos?

Or is it simply the inability to control the flow of information?

Paulie. Babe. It doesn’t matter. If you need a lesson on handling the press in a time of media frenzy, see a movie called A Hard Day's Night. Stop reading the papers. Or buy a paper of your own. You’ve got the money.

(Note: The name of McCartney's publicist appeared in this morning's web posting, probably to refute rumours that Macca has already rehired Geoff Baker, his longtime flak whom Heather reportedly caused him to jettison.)

Dirk McQuickly & Paul McCartney

Rutle Dirk McQuickly stood side by side with Beatle Paul McCartney at the dedication of George Harrison's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame earlier this week.

The shadow of the film The Seventh Python, which had its world premiere a few blocks away at the Egyptian Theatre, hung heavily across the event, as many of the personalities who attended appear or are referenced in the Neil Innes film, from McCartney, who produced Neil Innes' first (and last) hit single (with the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band), I'm The Urban Spaceman, to fellow Rutle McQuickly to Harrison himself, whose friendship, influence and passing are key elements in the film.

Heather looks to get a leg up on 'Dancing'

Hey, we can't make this stuff up! It's being reported that Heather Mills has signed up for the new season of ABC's Dancing with The Stars. The future ex-Mrs. Paul McCartney, as you may know, would enter the competition with a handicap.

She's only got one leg.

"The one-legged gold-digging former porn model and ex-hooker," as she's known to readers of the British tabloids, would love nothing better than to become America's beloved underdog. And with fellow Brit Sarah Ferguson (whose tabloid rep, coincidentally, is also tied to her lower extremities with those notorious toe-sucking pix) withdrawing from contention as a Dancing dancer, she's got her chance.

Thanks in part to Paul McCartney's pull in the UK, the ugly divorce and revelations about her porny past have helped make Heather the most despised woman in all of England. Here in the States, though, infotainment shows like Extra, and now Access Hollywood, which reports the Dancing news, have been much kinder to Heather-- because that's the agreement they make in order to get an interview with her.

It doesn't matter. The British accent will have most viewers thinking Heather's as royal as Denise van Outen on Grease You're The One That I Want! And what do you bet the announcement convinces McCartney to one-up her by appearing on American Idol?

The truth behind the McCartney accusations?

No, we don’t believe pothead skinflint Paul McCartney was the drunken abuser Heather Mills claims he was. He’d beat her? He’s a billionaire. He could pay someone for that. He’d deny the gal the chance to breastfeed (unless it was a vegan thing)? Just remember Linda. He didn’t even to ask her to shave her legs. We can see him denying Heather the golden bedpan. Who’d want her pissing up the bed? He’s a billionaire. He could pay someone to do that.

Our friends over at the scandalous, essential Popbitch have come up with a good reason for Heather’s firebomb. It seems that Heather is desperate as her chance at hopping away with Macca’s millions might be slipping away. And it’s not simply that McCartney’s legal team has been playing hardball with the one-legged lottery winner since they re-leaked all those naked photos that Heather posed for in her leggy youth.

Popbitch reports that Heather’s lawyers “had suggested to Heather that they weren't sure she should be entitled to anything from Sir Paul as she had misrepresented herself at the time of the wedding by not revealing she had, in effect, been a prostitute.” (The British tabloids dredged up allegations this summer that Heather had been a high-end call girl for clients including Adnan Khashoggi and Arab princes.)

Now that we've covered that, let’s get another look at those great Heather Mills nudie, S&M’y sex photos here… here… here… here… here… and here!

McCartney Crack-Up: Heather the Whore?

Sheesh. Those British tabloid animals have us almost feeling sorry for Heather Mills!

While the UK Sun, which has been doling out Heather nudie and "porn" photos this week, ups the ante with video of Heather stripping down in her “glamour model” days, the News of The World goes all out and says it has proof that Paul McCartney’s estranged wife was once a high-class call girl!

Who's behind the attacks? We checked McCartney’s website. No response. No clarification. No defense.

Only a couple of weeks back, he was going crazy with clarifications and attempts at spin control on innocuous stories about child custody arrangements and the like. But that was before Heather announced she might be doing a Lady Diana-style TV interview to reveal her side of the May-December debacle.

Once Heather’s teams began to position, someone slipped the porno shots to the Sun.

And now this: accusations she was a hooker for clients including Adnan Khashoggi and Arab princes. You think Macca’s people didn’t have the goods on Heather before the marriage? Could someone on his team be behind the latest revelations? Paul, hit that website and say it ain't so.

McCartney Crack-Up: Who leaked Heather sex pix?

Paul McCartney’s estranged wife Heather Mills is back in the UK Sun newspaper in a second round of simulated sex photos dug up from a 1988 German love manual.

While her people dispute the Sun’s claim that the pix are “hard porn,” we can’t help but notice that Paul for once isn’t using his website to set the record straight.

Hmmm… with word that Heather is planning to reveal secrets of the broken marriage in a Diana-style BBC interview on the BBC, we’d venture a guess that McCartney’s people leaked the photos. Macca might be a wide-eyed romantic, but he's a thrifty one-- and she didn't sign a pre-nup.

(Meanwhile, see the photos here. The Sun claims the uncensored versions show Heather in the vicinity of a “sex toy” and “erect manhood.” If you have the originals that prove or disprove the “hard porn” claim, send them here.)

Rare photo shows Beatle Paul wearing glasses

The Daily Mail has published this rare picture showing Paul McCartney wearing a pair of thick horn-rimmed specs while working with the Beatles on Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. The previously unpublished photograph is one of a rare set taken as The Beatles worked at Abbey Road studios in North London.

The Mail quotes McCartney's friends saying he rarely wore glasses because it was part of John Lennon's image.

Cool.

Beatles songs for Schmucks

Patrick Goldstein writes a heartwarming story in The Los Angeles Times about how director Jay Roach got permission to use the Beatles song "Fool On The Hill" in his movie, Dinner for Schmucks.

We've condensed the inspirational piece to the crucial lines:

How did Jay Roach get a Beatles song
for 'Dinner for Schmucks'?

"...Jay Roach did what filmmakers do best. He wrote a long letter to Paul McCartney, making it clear that there was no possible substitute for having 'Fool on the Hill.'

"...Roach sent McCartney footage of the opening sequence, with the song playing over it, and--voila--permission was granted."

Punchline:

"Paramount/DreamWorks reportedly paid $1.5 million for its usage."

Exclusive! Fab Forever returns to Las Vegas!

The world's greatest Beatles tribute is about to return to Las Vegas in a big way. Fab Forever, the multimedia experience that conjures a trip back to the heyday of the greatest show on Earth, is returning to the center of the entertainment universe after a year in which the retooled, remodeled and reworked show has barnstormed the world on a long and winding road back from tragedy last November.

Exactly a year to the day after we reported that the sucessful Fab Forever run at the Riviera Hotel & Casino was cut short when the wife and daughter of one of the performers were injured in a car wreck, the show whose stars fooled the world this past summer with a "lost Lennon & McCartney" YouTube clip, is back and beginning a new run at the Canyon Club in the Four Queens Hotel & Casino on Fremont Street.

14.11.07 is the date the Las Vegas entertainment elite is marking on their calendars for the return of the much-missed Fab Forever. And the show boastsa formation that's stronger and more startlingly realistic than ever, with Todd "Paul McCartney" Rainey joined by fellow greatest Beatles performers Carmine "Ringo" Grippo, Jimmy "The Quiet One" Pou (ex-1964) and internationally-heralded John Lennon tribute artist Gary Gibson (left).

"The Fab Forever show at the Four Queens brings the action back downtown-- and at last Vegas will have a Beatles tribute show that deserves to be a companion piece for the Love show at the Mirage," says manager Jerry Peluso, who may be the only tribute group manager who can say that one of his past clients has its own tribute on the Strip (that would be the Fab Four, who have a Ron Gallagher-style B-team playing at the Aladdin because the gig was too much effort for the original imitators who Peluso had guided to success).

"The Fab Forever show has been a success here and internationally. All along, we've searched the world for the very best individual players. And now we've found them and have them on one stage."

The Fab Forever experience will launch at the Canyon Club at 9 pm on November 14th. This will be followed by special Beatles Brunch shows every Sunday at 2 pm.


Stay tuned here for the latest on Fab Forever.

Oh yeah. That wasn't really Lennon & McCartney.

We almost forgot to follow up. This week, we'd posted purported "lost video" of John Lennon and Paul McCartney jamming on The Ballad of John & Yoko. Well, eagle-eyed readers immediately sussed out at least one as a member of Fab Forever, the best Beatles tribute group in the world.

The news is that the Lennon is none other than Gary Gibson, who's joined the act to replace Peter George, the top Lennon player who bowed out for family reasons.

Yes, Fab Forever is on the ride back to the toppermost of the tribute-worldermost. The group is playing in Hallendale, Florida tonight, celebrating the 40th anniversary of Sgt. Pepper with the launch of an international tour.

And what's great about the Fabs is that they're not just a topnotch combo (they leave Vegas's foodcourt Fab Four in the dust)-- they're part of a real Broadway-quality stage production that takes the audience along on the Beatles trajectory from The Ed Sullivan Show to their final concert on the roof of Apple headquarters at 3 Savile Row.

Fab Forever's award-winning producer and manager Jerry Peluso ("The Brian Epstein of the tribute world!"-- Tabloid Baby) says “I’ve been waiting for a show like this my whole life. Fab Forever not only looks and sounds exactly like the original lads from Liverpool, but they truly capture the spirit of The Beatles in concert.”

Fab Forever was Tabloid Baby's pick hit last summer. There's more to come this year. Welcome back, lads.

And stay tuned here for more explosive Beatle-related entertainment news!

Chicago Tribune features "multitalented, ever-clever, never going to be halftime at the Super Bowl" Neil Innes and The Seventh Python

A week ago, we featured pictures from a Chicago Tribune photo shoot featuring music and comedy legend Neil Innes, star of The Seventh Python, the nonfiction musical feature film from our pals at Frozen Pictures. The session was part of a media blitz surrounding the historic Innes concert and film screening at the Wilmette Theatre on June 9th, and accompanied an interview with Innes by Tribune writer Marc Caro.

The feature runs in today's issue of the Trib (which has already called the film "magical, mysterious, whimsical, hysterical!"), a little late for the Wilmette show but just in time for The Seventh Python's pair of showings at the Relevation Perth International Film Festival July 4th and 10th:

Chicago Tribune
'Seventh Python' has been
making his mark
for more than four decades
But Neil Innes is far from a household name
By Mark Caro, Tribune reporter
June 21, 2009

Neil Innes was browsing the stacks at Vintage Vinyl in Evanston when the clerk brought over copies of several albums by Innes' anarchic '60s jazz/rock/comedy collective, the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band.

The records were priced at $50 apiece, prompting the 64-year-old British singer/songwriter/pianist/guitarist to marvel, "Is that what they are? Hmm. Well, good luck."

He thought about autographing them, then reconsidered: "It would probably devalue it if I signed."

He inspected the back cover of "Gorilla," the Bonzos' 1967 debut album, on which was listed a song called "Death Cab for Cutie." "That came from an American crime magazine which I found in Deptford Street Market [in London]," Innes recalled. "It was this lurid cover; it said, 'Death Cab for Cutie.' "

Paul McCartney liked the song so much that he tapped the Bonzos to perform it in the Beatles' rambling TV movie "Magical Mystery Tour." A Seattle-area rock band subsequently took the song title as its own name and became so popular that the phrase's origins have become all but forgotten.

So it goes for the multitalented, ever-clever Innes, who has been making his mark for more than four decades without ever becoming a household name.

"I'm never going to be halftime at the Super Bowl," he dryly acknowledged.

The Bonzos had one British hit, Innes' jokey-folky "I'm the Urban Spaceman" (produced by McCartney under the name Apollo C. Vermouth), and appeared regularly on the madcap British TV series "Do Not Adjust Your Set," which featured future Monty Pythonites Eric Idle, Terry Jones and Michael Palin. But the band never exceeded cult status, particularly in the U.S.

Innes wound up providing musical contributions to "Monty Python's Flying Circus" and the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" (1975). He's the minstrel singing about Brave Sir Robin, and he's also a peasant who gets crushed by a gigantic wooden rabbit. His impact on the troupe was such that Terry Gilliam dubbed him "The Seventh Python," also the name of Burt Kearns' documentary that brought Innes to town earlier this month for a screening and performance at the Wilmette Theatre.


Post-Python, Innes and Idle created the Rutles, a Beatles parody group that debuted on the duo's British TV series "Rutland Weekend Television" before starring in their own 1978 NBC television special "All You Need Is Cash." It was the week's lowest-rated show among the major networks yet provided the "mockumentary" template for "This Is Spinal Tap" (1984) while sustaining a steady level of belovedness among Beatles and Python fans.

Innes eventually spun off a second Rutles album without Idle in 1996 ("Archaeology"), and a solo Idle cobbled together a rather lame Rutles follow-up film in 2005 (the straight-to-DVD "Rutles 2: Can't Buy Me Lunch"). When Innes performed a solo show in Los Angeles in 2003, "The Simpsons" creator Matt Groening was among those who showed up to pay their respects, and Kearns started work on "The Seventh Python."

Innes now has more paunch and less hair than when he played the John Lennon doppelganger Ron Nasty, but he's in anything but a retiring mood. His one-man show, which he performed at the Abbey Pub and again in part at the Wilmette, is called "A People's Guide to World Domination," a decades-spanning collection of his songs around which he wraps his theme "that the individual is being wiped out by the mass media." In typically cheeky fashion, the show climaxes with Innes leading a mock march in which he swears in the audience as "Ego Warriors," whose salute is the familiar thumb-to-the-nose gesture.

Innes is eager for 2010 to arrive because that's when his current publishing deal expires, and he's so miffed at its terms that he's waiting till then to release any new music.

"When we did the second Rutles album, I was naive enough to think if I paid a lawyer, that that lawyer would represent my best interests," he said, bursting into laughter. "No! How stupid could you get?

"I am off the hook on Jan. 1 of next year, so I will be actually doing more, being a bit more prolific. I'm just so fed up with being burgled. At the age of 65, I shall be free, so I should become a complete fame slut now."

By this point Innes was sitting outside with former Hudson Brother (and "Seventh Python" co-producer and co-writer) Brett Hudson at Argo Tea down the street from Vintage Vinyl. Neither of these two veterans was pining for the good ol' days or lamenting the demise of a record industry devoted to producing physical products.


"Quite frankly, I'm glad that part is gone," Innes said. "In many ways, what's the difference for people like me and Brett? They took all the money then."

The two of them laughed.

"I'm glad that the record business has changed and isn't what it was," Hudson said. "Because now we have a chance to make some money."

"It's gone full circle back to Woody Guthrie," Innes said.

"You're absolutely right," Hudson said.

"And, hello, we can get on street corners and say what's what," Innes said.

"You're right," Hudson said. "Woody Guthrie. We can come back. It's true."

Innes laughed. "This era is our era."

mcaro@tribune.com

Copyright © 2009, Chicago Tribune

US TV show to bend over for Heather Mills

Now that she’s fleeced poor old Paul McCartney, one-legged former porn model and alleged one-time call girl Heather Mills is working once again to use the compliant American media to rake in more millions while legitimizing her deceptions and fantasies to an unwary public.

Days after landing a the of confusing the. Days after landing £24million for a four-year marriage that humiliated poor old Paul McCartney, Heather is still railing against the generous judge who also labeled her a Pornocchio fantasist (we said it first), and now the British tabloids are reporting she’s hired “feminist” lawyer Gloria Allred (who’s really a very sweet person when the cameras are turned off) to broker a million dollar American TV deal in which Heather will hop around the settlement’s confidentiality clause by having her sister Fiona (the portrait to Heather’s Dorian Gray) dish out the dirty details of the Macca-Mucca marriage to a show like 20/20 or Entertainment Tonight.

And you can be assured in advance: Heather's people will write the story. It's the norm in backroom deals like this for the news organization to agree to ground rules, guaranteeing that any reportage will be very "pro Heather," and that certain unsavory issues will not be broached or even circled.

And they'll deny paying for the interview, claiming that any money changing hands was for exclusive video or photos.

They'll be lying.

So if anyone saw humour or irony when Heather hopped onto Dancing with The Stars last year, identified only as a “charity campaigner,” or was puzzled back in November 2006 when the tabloid show Extra paid for a Heather exclusive that avoided all talk of the divorce, well, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Stay tuned for American news and infotainment TV hypocrisy,where the “truth” goes to the highest bidder.

See Heather Mills’ very NSFW nude photos here.

And while we're at it, a tip of the Tabloid Baby hat to the hacks at the UK Sun, who've had so much fun advancing this story...

EXCLUSIVE! THIS JACKET IS THE MISSING LINK IN THE EVOLUTION OF THE BEATLES!

This jacket is the missing link in the secret history of the Beatles.

This is the jacket that inspired the collarless suits the Beatles wore as they took the world by storm in the first flushes of Beatlemania, immortalized onstage and on the cover of the smash I Want To Hold Your Hand/I Saw Her Standing There single.

According to the official history of The Beatles, the famed collarless suits they were made by London tailor Dougie Millings, inspired by similar suits created by French designer Pierre Cardin.

That is wrong. Millings did not get his inspiration from Cardin.

Paul McCartney and John Lennon got their inspiration from a man they brought to Millings' shop in 1963. It was here that McCartney informed him that they would be appropriating the style of the jacket he wore, and which had been designed for him exclusively in Hollywood.

Pictured above is the actual jacket that inspired them. This jacket was discovered in recent days in Los Angeles by our pals at Frozen Pictures. It will be on display and the story behind it will be revealed by filmmakers Burt Kearns, Brett Hudson and Joachim Blunck at the 36th annual NY Metro Fest for Beatles Fans at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Secaucus, New Jersey on Saturday, March 27th.

Joining them will be the man who wore it-- the man the Beatles copied.

"Beatles history will be rewritten," says Frozen partner Kearns.

"This is monumental, and Beatles fans will be a part of this," adds Hudson.

Developing...

THE MISSING LINK IN THE EVOLUTION OF THE BEATLES!

The Ballad of Heather Mills & Patti Petite

With porny shots and risqué revelations multiplying faster than our crack staff could post them, we began to feel sorry for Paul McCartney’s naughty and nasty estranged Heather Mills. Almost.

Until we Googled “one-legged porn starlet” and happened upon the sad story of poor Patti Petite.

From 1985 to 1988, Patti was a very active porn star, blazing her way through dozens of X-rated films and videos like A Star Is Porn, Behind The Back Door, Bi & Large and Best of Rambone (titles that surely edge out the Sun's “Strawberry Feels Forever” and “Abbey Rude”).

According to the lively Excalibur Films website, Patti, like Heather Mills, “was one of the most rough and ready of all the 80's porno strumpets” and “a tenacious sexual athlete.”

Like Heather, her “…blonde hair framed a striking face, a vivacious visage whose sensual leers could raise the dead.”

Like Heather in her photo shoots, and allegedly in her relations with old Beatle Paul, “Patti always brought tons of full-throttle energy to her on-screen sexing… Her passion and enthusiasm were palpable, and she especially liked it when things were at their wildest…”

And tragically, like Heather, Patti Petite’s sexy shoot paydays were cut short, when in 1988, “she got into a car wreck while driving with fellow pornstress Tiffany Lane. Tiffany Lane died in the carnage, while Patti Petite was so severely injured that she had to have a leg amputated. The loss of her limb also proved to be the loss of her carnal career, as there was little call for a one-legged porn starlet at that time.”

Five years later, porny model Heather Mills would lose a leg when she was hit by a motorcycle cop while crossing the road!

But what a difference a few years, some brains, ambition, imagination and a lonely old recently-widowed ex-Beatle make. Heather would find the loss of her limb only helped in her walk to fame and fortune, leading to a career as a serious spokesmodel, and in fact posing no hindrance-- and according to some tabloid accounts may indeed have added some spice-- to her relationship with and eventual marriage to Paul McCartney.

All this, despite another bizarre coincidence: Leggy Mountbatten, manager of Neil Innes’ legendary Beatles parody group, The Rutles, “had lost a leg in the closing overs of World War Two!”

Heather, it could have been worse. Join Tabloid Baby in lifting a legful to Patti Petite, porn star-- the kind of the girl who makes the News of The World, years before Heather Mills.