Welcome Back, Ice Cube

We're amazed by America's ability to take the most hardcore artists and squash them into family-friendly, inoffensive salespeople. So we’ve got to hand it to rapper/actor/producer Ice Cube. He’ll be starring in the big screen movie version of the 70s TV series, Welcome Back, Kotter.

Our guess is he’ll be playing Gabe Kaplan’s role, not John Travolta’s.



But who knows? Ice Cube can play anyone he likes. In June, he starts filming (outside the USA, in sunny Vancouver) Are We Done Yet?, ostensibly a sequel to his family comedy, Are We There Yet?, but actually, in another nod to Hollywood’s endless pool of creativity, a remake of Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House, a Cary Grant movie from 1948 (only this one's directed by the guy responsible for The Animal and The Hot Chick).

We’ve loved Ice Cube from the late Eighties, when NWA first scared the bejeezus out of us, even before we arranged to get him profiled on the CBS newsmagazine 48 Hours (see the story in Tabloid Baby, Chapter 11, Hollywood Babble On), and got an early, disconcerting look at Ice Cube's split persona. He scowled for the 48 Hours cameras, signed our 8x10 glossy with a big “F--- you!” but then, when the lights and cameras were off, enthused to the producer, “I’m gonna get profiled on 48 Hours! Just like Paul McCartney!” And then he giggled.

In tribute to his All-American universal roly-poly family appeal, and at the risk of coming off like the late Steve Allen, we hit a random Google search and found some of our favorite Ice Cube rapalong lyrics, perfect for those long drives with the family:

"No Vaseline"
Got damn, I'm glad ya'll set it off.
Used to be hard, now you're just wet and soft…
I saw it comin', that's why I went solo.
And kept on stompin',
when ya'll mothafuckers moved straight outta Compton.
Livin' with the whites, one big house,
and not another nigga in sight…
You're gettin' fucked real quick,
and Eazy's dick, is smellin' like MC Ren's shit….
So don't believe what Ren say,
cuz he's goin' out like Kunte Kinte,
but I got a whip for ya Toby;
used to be my homey, now you act like you don't know me.
It's a case of divide-and-conquer,
cuz you let a Jew break up my crew…

"Black Korea"
Everytime I wanna go get a fuckin brew
I gotta go down to the store with the two
oriental one-penny countin motherfuckers
that make a nigga mad enough to cause a little ruckus
Thinkin every brother in the world's out to take
So they watch every damn move that I make
They hope I don't pull out a gat and try to rob
they funky little store, but bitch, I got a job
Yo yo, check it out
So don't follow me, up and down your market
Or your little chop suey ass'll be a target
of the nationwide boycott
Juice with the people, that's what the boy got
So pay respect to the black fist
or we'll burn your store, right down to a crisp
And then we'll see ya!
Cause you can't turn the ghetto - into Black Korea

"Horny Little Devil"
Horny little devil, you gotta back up
Horny little devil, you can't bust a nut
Lookin at my girlfriend's black skin
You wanna jump in, but she don't like white men
So don't throw that work you fuckin jerk
Or get your punk devil ass hurt motherfucker…
Now you wanna get me
Horny little must be a F-A-G…
But my ass is a virgin
You might have fucked the Indians
but you can't surgeon me
And when I'm on top I wont be fuckin ya
I'd rather put a buck in ya
Cause I hate the devil with a passion
and when I see the whites of his eyes I start blastin…
But horny little devil true niggaz aren't gay
And you can't play with my Yo-Yo
and definitely can't play with me you fuckin homo
Cause we'll blow your head off
And turn that white sheet into a red cloth…

Have fun! Try your own Ice Cube lyric roulette.

And hey, we know Ice Cube is an artist. But It’s one thing to paint the "devil" black for an fX reality series. It's another to play Steve Martin for the four year olds. America's a great place.