1999-2010

Thursday, February 23, 2006

James Bond's Porn Girl

Everybody’s jumping at Daniel Craig this week, saying he won’t be a good James Bond. Blah blah blah. He's a good actor. Bond will be lifted to a new level. We waited an entire week to see if anyone would get on the real story: the new Bond girl is an arthouse DP porn queen, showing more snatch than Guy Ritchie, making Sharon Stone look like Mary Poppins and Maud Adams like Katie Holmes...

No, not Lee Tamahori.

Eva Green is more Suicide Girl than Maxim material, best known for her role in The Dreamers, Bernardo Bertolucci’s boner-boundary-breaking ménage au trios artfest, the most lasting impressions of which are the Internet freeze-frame grabs of Eva’s crotch. She's arty. She's European. She's Cinemax.

See her porn shots here.

This being 2006, most young moviegoers don’t know much of Bertolucci beyond his casting of Keanu Reeves as Siddhartha or Liv Tyler in some coming of age sex flick. He makes pretty pictures, but for more than thirty years, his real contribution to cinema has been pushing the perv limit, polishing X-ratings for the butter stick sodomy of that mad girl in Last Tango in Paris and the memorable vision of Jill Clayburgh’s full-frame butt as she's having sex with her son in the incest comedy, La Luna (her assiest, and Fred Gwynne’s classiest role). Not that Bertolucci's not an artist. We know. We’re artists too. We’re behind the current movie Cloud 9, and any of our female stars (Angie Everhart or Gabrielle Reece most obviously) would be more palatable Bond girls than Bertolucci’s latest silly flasher chick, convinced by his Italioartistofakaclassitakaoffayouundies line of bullshit to spread all for a demiporn movie that ended up on HBO and screen grabs faster than she got her next role in yet another language.

Anyway, anyone giving Danny Craig a hard time at this point didn’t see Layer Cake, and certainly didn't live through the Seventies and old Roger Moore playing Bond with smut and a girdle (and Maud Adams, now that we think of it— look up her scandal and report back).

Best Bond was Connery, of course, but George Lazenby is in second place, with the best Bond in the best Bond “film,” On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Timothy Dalton was the low point, always annoyed and upper class gaseous, unmoved by the Bond girls, his offscreen taste taken by old scrubber Vanessa Redgrave.

And let’s face it. Pierce Brosnan, though a nice guy, was always a lightweight, spindly Bond, (NY Times on Goldeneye: “When Bond rides in a tank through St. Petersburg during a scenery-crunching chase scene, Michael Dukakis comes to mind...”) too agreeable to go with the flow and be a product placement shill, and giving over half of his movies to the likes of Halle Berry and Michelle Yeoh.

But what of Eva Green? She's the first Bond porn girl. Will she make history in Casino Royale as the first nude Bond girl in the 007 franchise? Danny Craig’s a down and dirty lad who could do Ian Fleming proud with a slapper like Eva.

What was Cubby’s family thinking?

Sharon Stone, meet Eva Green...

...meet Jill Clayburgh...

7 comments:

www.fleshbot.com said...

We were so busy this week posting about Daniel Craig’s possible shortcomings as the new James Bond that we almost forgot to mention another reason why the upcoming “Casino Royale” has already piqued our interest: new Bond Girl Eva Green doesn’t only bring a resume to her role as Vesper Lynd that includes a modeling campaign for Emporio Armani, she also comes equipped with a talent for onscreen nudity shown to best advantage in her role in Bernardo Bertolucci’s “The Dreamers” a couple of years ago. As Tabloid Baby puts it, “(T)he new Bond girl is an arthouse DP porn queen, showing more snatch than Guy Ritchie, making Sharon Stone look like Mary Poppins and Maud Adams like Katie Holmes.” That’s a lot of hype to live up to, but judging from the accompanying screencaps we think she won’t have a difficult time fulfilling anyone’s expectations.

Anonymous said...

Really - since when did you become a porn site?

I'm still reeling from losing Pierce to this nobody - Daniel who?
Who cares? They better make it smutty if they want anybody to see this new one - and sorry - a horrid choice for 007.

I like the way Tabloid baby mentions Bertolluci in the same breath as Cloud 9.

Now don't misunderstand I'm a huge fan of Cloud 9 and secretly harbor lust for Burt (reynolds)

BUT Having seen most (if not all) of the great Italian directors films I feel compelled to say that Tabloid Baby could learn a thing or two from the great master.

But back to Bond - Craig's going to bomb and Brosnan will say thanks but no thanks when they come begging -

Anonymous said...

This is the most ridiculous post I've ever read. Eva Green is hardly a porn queen, and Bertolucci's "The Dreamers" is hardly a porn movie. Get your facts straight before you post such ignorant things.

Anonymous said...

Finally! Someone recogizes Lazenby as a great Bond! His acting was fantastic and he brought both comedy and tragedy to Bond. I do disagree with the Dalton diss. He was good in Living Daylights but I don't think the directors should have made Bond so edgy.

Anonymous said...

at last someone has the guts to tell it like it is. bertolucci is just a perv who tries to push the porn envelope with every other movie, from sodomy (tango) incest (luna) pedophilia (summer) and fullfrontal male nudity and incest again (dreamers) all in the name of art and you buy it because his name ends in an "ucci." and eva green is just another actress willing to bare it all.

Anonymous said...

you idontknowfromwhere people are so stupid, you guys should watch disney for art movies. who da hell should care what that new bondchick did before.

Anonymous said...

click here for free hardcore porn movie clips