Weekend with Macca and Mucca

Remember Heather Mills? Paul McCartney's golddigging former porn star ex-wife is competing on Dancing On Ice on telly in the UK, determined to rise above her status as Britain's Most Hated. Her slightly tarnished benefactor (tarnished by that Citifield album) is in the Caribbean, pushing the spawn of their cursed union onto a potential new Linda, determined to find true love again so he can write new sappy songs about it.

He does yoga. She carries her artificial leg.



...And a tip of the Tabloid Baby hat to the Daily Mail.

Exclusive! Heather Mills naked nude & having sex!

Crazy amputee and former porn model Heather Mills gets some more publicity in the UK tonight as a Channel 4 documentary special, “Heather Mills: What Really Happened,” sorts through the stories, lies, legends, accusations and escapades of and about a self-made public figure who, though not loved, is definitely one of the most colorful characters in pop culture. Sounds like good stuff, if only because Channel 4 docos turn out to be a lot more sordid and straightforward than the bowdlerized judgmental tabloid churned out by the 20/20 and Dateline pieces we get here (the syndicated tabloid shows simply agree to let the subject call the shots in exchange for exclusivity). And we do like how they have the balls to not put a question mark at the end of the title because we can only attempt to sort out the “truth” among all the stories that’ve come out about the one-legged fantasist since she hooked with poor old mourning Paul McCartney and fleeced him for £24 million.

Topping the list tonight is a probe into the many stories about Heather working as a “high class” call girl in her earlier days, an accusation backed by many an interview with a former hooker who’s claimed to have worked with Heather but whose veracity could always be challenged because of the British tabloids’ practice of paying for interviews (it makes it all the easier for them to take the gist of an interview and make up the quotes). Topping the bill tonight is a Geordie ex-vice girl named Denise who reminisces about her and Heather’s time together in the 1980s when she alleges they sold their bodies for sex and raked in big money.

 The 44-year-old former model has some corkers of quotes:

“We have a naughty background. We went into high-class prostitution behind closed doors. 

There were 10 of us. We are select girls from Newcastle and we kept it close-knit with three of the most powerful men in the world. (A tip of the Tabloid Baby hat to the late Kerry Packer for making that list). 

They were the big fish. We also had others who were classed as sugar daddies.

 We used to get a lot of jewellery as gifts – rings, watches, Bulgari bracelets, cars. The world was our oyster. We enjoyed it.

“We would have full-on sex with a guy. We’d do girlie-girlie scenes. Always girlie-girlie scenes.

 I mean 99.9% of men like a girlie- girlie scene. It’s a play act. You need to be an actress. Whatever you want out of life, you’ve got to act for.


“No-one knew what we did and we didn’t expect it would come out.

I don’t look on it as sleazy. It was experiencing something we couldn’t have experienced if we hadn’t done this.

I mean working-class women wouldn’t get £10,000 a night. 

People go out in Newcastle and do it for free, then can’t remember the next day who they have been with.”



Heather’s denied it. But you can go here and here and here on this misguided and unauthorized Tabloid Baby “tribute” site for lots more saucy, naked and definitely NSFW photos of Heather Mills, woman who could be a creation of Thackery or Dickens and whose picaresque adventures are not over yet.

Heather Mills' one-legged nude photo gallery

Leave it to the blokes at the News of The World to have a surplus of porn featuring Paul McCartney's sad but infinitely richer ex-wife Heather Mills. And leave it to them to censor the naughty bits so the entire family can enjoy the pix together. This latest, not the porniest but perhaps most disturbing batch, is said to date to 1999, shortly before she got her talents into old Paul, long after she'd claimed to have gotten over the porno bug, and definitely after she'd lost her leg.

The fabulist fantasist supposedly planned to use the photos to promote her campaign against landmines. Insert joke here.

And see a NSFW collection of Heather Mills' greatest, er, hits, here.

UPDATE: More, bigger, Heather Mills unidexter cheesecake pix are here...

US TV show to bend over for Heather Mills

Now that she’s fleeced poor old Paul McCartney, one-legged former porn model and alleged one-time call girl Heather Mills is working once again to use the compliant American media to rake in more millions while legitimizing her deceptions and fantasies to an unwary public.

Days after landing a the of confusing the. Days after landing £24million for a four-year marriage that humiliated poor old Paul McCartney, Heather is still railing against the generous judge who also labeled her a Pornocchio fantasist (we said it first), and now the British tabloids are reporting she’s hired “feminist” lawyer Gloria Allred (who’s really a very sweet person when the cameras are turned off) to broker a million dollar American TV deal in which Heather will hop around the settlement’s confidentiality clause by having her sister Fiona (the portrait to Heather’s Dorian Gray) dish out the dirty details of the Macca-Mucca marriage to a show like 20/20 or Entertainment Tonight.

And you can be assured in advance: Heather's people will write the story. It's the norm in backroom deals like this for the news organization to agree to ground rules, guaranteeing that any reportage will be very "pro Heather," and that certain unsavory issues will not be broached or even circled.

And they'll deny paying for the interview, claiming that any money changing hands was for exclusive video or photos.

They'll be lying.

So if anyone saw humour or irony when Heather hopped onto Dancing with The Stars last year, identified only as a “charity campaigner,” or was puzzled back in November 2006 when the tabloid show Extra paid for a Heather exclusive that avoided all talk of the divorce, well, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Stay tuned for American news and infotainment TV hypocrisy,where the “truth” goes to the highest bidder.

See Heather Mills’ very NSFW nude photos here.

And while we're at it, a tip of the Tabloid Baby hat to the hacks at the UK Sun, who've had so much fun advancing this story...

Macca divorce settled: All she needs is cash

A judge has awarded Heather Mills a settlement of £24.3 million in her divorce from old Paul McCartney (the LA Times estimates the total at $48.6 million). She said this morning she was happy with the dough (even though she wanted £125 million), but then raged on the courthouse steps that the settlement was made public only to make old Paul look "generous." She added that old Paul had offered her £15.8 million, then attacked the legal establishment, claiming "these people are in a club" and don't want people who show up in court without lawyers, like her, to succeed.

The end to Mills' public career comes on the same day that in a parallel universe, The Rutles are reuniting for a 30th anniversary screening of the TV special and DVD favorite, All You Need Is Cash, at the Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood, the timing of which causes us to wonder why the media has not made more out of the incredible coincidences linking the Beatles and their satiric counterparts, not the least of which is the fact that both the Rutles' manager Leggy Mountbatten and former porn model and alleged prostitute Heather each get around on one leg.

(And for old times' sake, find Heather Mills' NSFW --not safe for work or public viewing-- nude photos here.)

Day 5: Not getting better

The McCartney-Mills divorce settlement hearing is set to go into extra innings, thanks to The brawl was supposed to be broken up today, but the judge has set aside more time for next week, thanks partly to her decision to represent herself against the most powerful and expensive lawyers in England. She's due to cross-examine him this morning, though she won't be allowed to bring up her claims that he used to be cruel to her and beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved, because the judge says it's not relevant to how much he's going to pay out for his big mistake (and she certainly won't be asking about his reaction to her NSFW porno pix).

The action got started on the way into court. After he refused to sign a fan's copy of The White Album, saying "I can't sign that here," she ran over and told the guy, "You should have told him that it's his fans who made him rich and famous. You put him where he is." Then she autographed his notebook, writing: "To Joe, lots of love, Heather Mills." Now she's signing autographs.

(Meanwhile, a tip of the Tabloid Baby hat to crazy Liam Gallagher, singer with Beatles- ripping Oasis-- the world's greatest rock 'n roll band-- for getting married yesterday while Macca and Mucca rowed, giving hope that an Oasis-style divorce riot will break out in the same courts in a year or two. And no tip at all to Oasis' up-themselves management, who kept Liam and big brother Noel from The Seventh Python).

Day 4: McCartney smiles away

There were contrasting demeanors from Macca and Mucca on their way into divorce court this morning. He joked with reporters and the corners of his mouth came close to forming a real smile. Mucca sat in her Mercedes 4x4 for twenty minutes before making her way into Court 34, where his highest-paid legal team will begin taking apart her case and demands for a record-setting payout, piece by piece, whether her NSFW porn pix come into play or not.

Day 2: Macca's handlers tell him to smile

Poor old Paul McCartney put on a happier face for the second day of the planned five-day divorce hearing that will separate him from some amount of cash to finally get rid of the one-legged former porn model and alleged call girl Heather Mills (NSFW photos of whom can be seen here on an unauthorized site that also makes use of a Sgt. Pepper's parody).

While he brought the UK's most powerful legal team, she showed up with the young personal trainer Macca had once suspected she'd "hopped" into bed with. So even though his demeanor was a far cry from the sad faces he pulled coming out of court yesterday, even in a smile the sagging old Beatle still can't manage to make the corners of his mouth turn up.

"Hunting Heather": The video she played in court

Heather Mills apparently played a video portraying herself as one of those hunted animals she likes to "campaign" for in today's divorce court hearing in which she's trying to skin more than a hundred million British pounds from poor old skinflint Paul McCartney for the time they were married. Too bad she turns it into comedy by scoring the video with The Batman Theme. And we'd say the bird is lucky she's not in LA; at least she's followed by a few professional photographers and not the lawless amateurs and crims with home video cameras and cellphones who get paid by that corporate porn-pushing gossip site and the other lowlife phony tabloid operations.

This five-day hearing to decide money and custody of their little girl is actually pretty amazing. He's represented by the law team that worked for Prince Charles in his split with Diana.

She's representing herself.

Incredible.

Her video is entitled "Hunting Heather."

Click here to see "F-cking Heather." NSFW!

Day 1 of 5: Macca & Mucca leave court

The 65-year-old former Beatle looked drained, while the 40-year-old former porn model and alleged prostitute was all smiles as they left London's High Court after the first day of a scheduled five-day hearing that could finally see their high-profile divorce battle resolved.

To visit Paul McCartney's website, click here.

For NSFW soft- and harder-core photos of Heather Mills, click here.

Heather Mills, with her erogenous stump, remains the kind of a girl that makes the News of The World

Fleet Street's hard to beat when it comes to succinct headlines, and the latest example tops the News of The World's accusations that Heather Mills carried on a lusty three-legged sex affair with a randy film editor while she was dating old Paul McCartney. The story "on an affair that will stun the nation" is timed to throw off and discredit the bedazzled former porn model as her fight to grab a big chunk of old Macca's millions comes to a head, no pun intended, when she represents herself at the Royal Courts of Justice tomorrow. And the copy, of course, is sublime, right down to the made-up quotes:

"The one-legged ex-hooker even brazenly showed her lover Sir Paul's tender texts—before leaping into bed with Tim for marathon sex sessions...

"'Heather was insatiable between the sheets and she liked to call me her four-times-a-night guy. Our record was six.

"'Most of the time it was multiple orgasms. Heather has a very unusual erogenous zone—her stump. I used to massage one particular sensitive area of it and give her an orgasm!

"...'My friends would ask me what it was like with a woman with one leg and I'd tell them, "No different to making love to a girl with two legs".

"'I'm a fit guy but she had tremendous stamina. We'd be at it like rabbits. She was up for it anywhere too. Once she gave me a bl** j** under the desk while I was working in my editing suite. And on a holiday in South Africa we stripped and made love in the shelter of a sand dune—even though tourists were watching.'

"...Tim first met Heather on a blind date set up by a mutual friend in August 1996... At the time, Heather was already engaged to tennis organiser Marcus Stapleton— but that didn't stop her getting what she wanted. She took Tim back to the Regent's Park mews flat she shared with Marcus, who was away on business.

"Tim says: 'We lay on the bed and kissed and fondled. She wanted to have sex but I didn't think I'd be able to manage it because I was so nervous.'

They made love for the first time a few weeks later—in Marcus Stapleton's flat. 'Heather instigated it with a nice bit of oral sex then we went all the way,' says Tim.

"'There was never any awkwardness about her leg. She would take it off the same way she would a pair of slippers.'"

There's more! Check out lots of NSFW shots of Heather's past porn work here.