Exploiting Artie Lange's suicide attempt

Aside from Howard Stern's word that his radio sidekick is still in "bad shape," there's been no word on the condition of comedian Artie Lange since his release from the hospital after he plunged a 13-inch Wolfgang Puck kitchen knife nine times into his corpulent abdomen in a suicide attempt on January 2nd, but the exploitation of the bloated, drug-addicted slovenly clown has moved from the insular world of satellite radio to the national stage.

The Comedy Central network will run Lange's Jack & Coke (as in "cocaine") standup special Saturday night at 10 pm, as it had already been schedule in November, but with the disingenuous statement from a Comedy Central spokesman: "The news about Artie is tragic, but we spoke to his camp and are excited to share with his fans the genius of his stand-up act and this never-seen-before special."

Lange's "camp," of course, are the ones who allowed the sad, disheveled comic to descend to such depths of degradation and self-hatred that he attempted to take his own life. The special, however, shows Lange in May 2009, when he was fresh out of rehab and momentarily sober.

Someone in that "camp" is also keeping Lange's name in the news for reasons other than his own shame with the posting of a clip of Lange's appearance on The Late Show with Conan O'Brien in 2008, in which he predicted O'Brien's demise as host of The Tonight Show.

Meanwhile Stern, who has exploited Lange's condition for years and pushed him in the name of comedy toward the brink of hopelessness and death, told his small band of Sirius radio listeners on Tuesday that he'd spoken with Lange, and revealed how much he cares about the tortured performer when he said:

"Artie and I ran out of shit to talk about in three seconds."

Stern rejected an offer to appear as a guest on Conan O'Brien's final week on The Tonight Show, claiming it would interfere with his private Sirius satellite radio schedule, but which was obvious attempt to avoid questions about his culpability in Lange's suicide attempt as well as his effort to keep the incident covered up.

UPDATE: In a development that took more than 24 hours to get past the satellite radio wall to the general public, it's being reported that Stern told a fellow Sirius deejay that he's been approached for, and considering, a return to mainstream, free, "terrestrial" radio. The move would only confirm what this site has been predicting for some time, as Stern has vanished from public consciousness and lost hundreds of thousands of fans, as evidenced by the lack of response from Stern fans to TabloidBaby's Stern postings compared to the past and despite our boom in site traffic.

Insider blasts Howard Stern's hypocrisy in Artie Lange suicide try

"Stern's nauseating rants over his love and support for Lange have become the only entertaining part of the once-popular radio show."

-- Chaunce Hayden

We've gotten the expected backlash from the last remaining servile fans of Howard Stern who've taken umbrage and offense-- and even called us "disrespectful"-- for suggesting that the former radio star's exploitation and humiliation of the heroin- and cocaine-addicted alcoholic, obese, slovenly pathetic comedian Artie Lange-- on air, in the privacy of satellite radio and in life-- may have contributed to the the self-hatred that led the 42-year-old self-described "baby gorilla" to stab himself nine times with a 13-inch Wolfgang Puck kitchen knife in an attempt to end his sad life.

It took a few days for the morons to find our posts and blast back their indignation from their mothers' basements, but they did respond, as we knew they would, because our statements that Howard Stern is no longer an important figure in popular culture since his sellout to a miniscule paid satellite radio audience is equivalent to leaving an open trash can in raccoon country. They pick up the scent and hop in with reasoned arguments like:

"You sir are a FuckNut!"

"your a fucking moron. Stern "invisible....ok, who else could have caused the merger of two satilite companys....and, pretty sure no one would pay to read your lame ass blog. Fuck u"

"You are a Fuck Nut as Robert said.. You have no clue of what the show is about and how Howard truly feels about Artie. Do you really listen to the show? I would say not, due to your lack of knowledge. Save the few brain cells you have remaining instead of burning them up on writing this shit blog!"

"Your completely uneducated rant about both Artie and Howard makes me sick. What is your problem? Howard has been nothing but caring and generous with Artie throughout his 9+ years on the show.... His problems are his own and have nothing to do with Howard. You are an idiot and shouldn't speak about things you don't know about. You obviously have no soul or compassion. Dick."

Etc.

So it's worth noting we're not alone in suggesting that the multimillionaire Stern take some responsibility for the deterioration of his fool that took place before his very eyes. In the new issue of his New Jersey nightlife magazine Steppin' Out, Tabloid Baby pal, gossip veteran and former Stern regular (until he misspoke, offended the former king and was banished) Chaunce Hayden lays it out in an editorial titled "Stern's No Bro":

"...Lange's 350th cry for help at the unmerciful expense of his mother really isn't surprising. What is surprising is the crap his boss, Howard Stern, has been spewing since TMZ first broke the news of Artie's latest performance. Stern's nauseating rants over his love and support for Lange have become the only entertaining part of the once-popular radio show. Even though Lange has showed up for work high, fell asleep on the air, attacked co-workers and lied about his absence, Stern has vowed to stand by his bro. So, it only makes sense that the caring 56-year-old radio personality would reach out to his troubled "bro" during Lange's personal turmoil but such off-air love is far removed from any Stern reality.


"Since Lange's failed suicide attempt, Howard has neither called nor visited his faux friend. I once reported that Stern was an asshole for blowing off producer’s Gary Dell'Abate's dad’s funeral. Stern angrily fired back, blaming his absence on his fiancé, Beth Ostrosky, claiming she sprained her ankle. Just curious who Stern will blame this time…"

Who really "hurt" Artie Lange?

There's been no word on the condition or whereabouts of obese, slovenly, alcoholic, heroin- and cocaine-addict comic Artie Lange since he was released from the hospital last week after attempting suicide with nine stabs of a 13-inch Wolfgang Puck kitchen knife. There have been many words of denial of responsibility by his (apparently former) boss Howard Stern, who hired Lange as a stooge on his private satellite radio show and used his sad antics and drunken, drugged antics as comic fodder (Stern's most hilarious comment after the suicide try was revealed was his claim that his two choices to replace jokewriter Jackie Martling were Lange and Jimmy Kimmel, as if Lange was chosen for his comedy chops and not ridicule ripeness). Saddest of all is a YouTube clip (above) Stern has been hyping and what's left of his fans have been crowing about: a bathetic series of Lange lowpoints set to Johnny Cash's painful version of Hurt (a song Stern pushed back when he was a radio star). The 50,000 viewings attest to Stern's invisibility (ten years ago, it would have generated five million), and despite the editor's (and the Stern crew's) attempt to tie Lange's nearly-fatal self-hatred and low self-esteem to a former girlfriend, the images attest to Stern's humiliation of the fat fool as being a major factor in his decision to try and gut himself dead.

Artie Lange's pig story isn't so funny now

The sad obese drug addict comedian Artie Lange played his addictions and his mother's concern for laughs on the Howard Stern satellite radio show a few years ago, while recalling the extent of his shame when a passing motorist observed him behind the wheel of a car, snorting cocaine through a prosthetic pig snout (at 5:40 in):

"I just wanted to kill myself! (I pictured) my mother holding me in her arms in the hospital. 'This is my son, This is my son!'"

The Stern crew isn't laughing so hard this week. It was Artie Lange's mother Judy who discovered her son unconscious and bleeding from nine stab wounds from a 13-inch Wolfgang Puck kitchen knife over the weekend, a discovery that gave her "baby gorilla" a new "stab" at life.

Artie Lange used a 13-inch Wolfgang Puck kitchen knife to stab himself nine times

Artie Lange stabbed himself nine times with a 13-inch Wolfgang Puck kitchen knife.

That word is from Hoboken, N.J. police detective Mark Competello, confirming the report from Page Six that Howard Stern's obese, drug-addicted, slovenly satellite radio "sidekick" and slurring comedian Artie Lange did indeed attempt suicide-- despite the enabling Stern's efforts that kept the incident under wraps for five days.


The detective says Lange's mother found him on the floor of his home on the waterfront on Saturday-- unconscious but breathing. The 42-year-old was taken to Jersey City Medical Center, where doctors cleaned nine abdominal knife wounds and operated.

He also says Artie Lange has been released from the hospital.

Listen to weaselly Howard Stern attack media, duck responsibility for Artie Lange's suicide attempt

Listen to former radio star Howard Stern tap dance in a very choreographed manner around the attempted suicide of his drug-addicted, besotted, obese loosely-comic "sidekick," Artie Lange. After years of facilitating, exploiting and egging on Lange's demons for entertainment and outrageousness for close to a decade, Stern begins by turning his anger on the news media for reporting a story he and those around him had covered up successfully for days, before insisting that the self-stabbing incident of an out-of-control comedian who has made a living by upping the ante on his dangerous and unhealthy drug use -- and with his July 2009 DUI arrest, shown to be endangering a public that would probably know him only as the unshaven, slovenly and inebriated buffoon who disrupts television talk shows-- is a "family matter" that Stern can sidestep comment about because he's part of the family.

Problem is, Stern's not part of "the family." He's a cynical show biz ringleading enabler who gets laughs out of the disabled and made his fat drunken drug addict "sidekick" the equivalent of a bear dancing on a hot plate. Only instead of striking back like circus elephants or Las Vegas tigers sometimes do, Artie Lange turned the violence on himself.


The Artie Lange suicide attempt is very sad, but not surprising considering the sad career we've chronicled. To hear Howard Stern say he didn't realize the extent of Lange's "demons," and is too "sick" to talk about it, and to hear his partner Robin Quivers tell him that commenting on the "It would be like the Johnsons coming on to talk about their daughter (recently-deceased lesbian socialite Casey Johnson), is to be astounded at the hypocrisy of the man once regarded to be a successor to Lenny Bruce and shows that Stern and crew have been trapped in their private bubble too long to come out.


Did Stern really think he could keep the story covered up? Does he think he has the power he once wielded as the "king" of media. Does he think he's dealing with the Las Vegas news media?

Artie Lange stabbed himself nine times

"Sad" is a word we've used often about Artie Lange, the boisterous, schlubadub comic who's made his drug addiction and obesity his shtick and who for years has provided cruel laughter from his boss, former radio star Howard Stern. This morning, with the report that his recent unexplained hospital stay was not for the expected overdose or deterioration, but a suicide attempt in which he stabbed himself nine times, "sad" no longer seems to do it.

We don't hear much about Howard Stern, the radio king of the 1980s and '90s who left the pop culture stage for paid satellite radio in a forgivable greedy leap hundreds of millions of dollars. Since he went undercover, his show has gone on unnoticed, floating a press release to the surface every now and then (like this morning's Huffington Post item, highlighting a 1989 interview with pre-fame Jennifer Aniston), or more recently, relying on an out-of-control chat show appearance by the lugubrious Lange.


A few years ago, Stern's defection and his coldhearted use of Artie Lange as a death-headed stooge was a major topic of debate on this site. Sadly, as the show faded farther into irrelevancy, Lange slid off the radar screen.

Until today, when the reason for his secret hospitalization is revealed to have been a suicide attempt in which Lange reportedly stabbed himself nine times (three "hesitation wounds" and three deep plunges through the rolls of fat and layers of swollen tissue in attempt to die). His boss Stern, surely aware of the facts before the rest of the world, coolly told his band of listeners this week:

"Artie has given this show tremendous moments of great comedy. He's a tremendous contributor. He is a good man. Don't forget how great he is."

Without a hint of culpability.


Artie Lange is alive, for now, and though he's avoided the Death of The Day tribute, we look into our archive, to remind readers that the shocking news that Stern's fat flailing 42-year-old fool had stabbed himself nine times is not so shocking at all-- at least not on May 27th, 2007, when we posted A rotten weekend for Howard Stern:

"In his years on the Stern show, Artie has battled heroin addiction, ballooned to more than three hundred pounds and kept up a grueling stand-up comedy schedule-- all to the amusement and encouragement of his boss, who's used Artie's troubles as comic and soap opera fodder. Artie says a doctor recently told him that if he doesn't change his lifestyle, Tabloid Baby's prediction of his Farley-Belushi-Anna Nicole-style death is imminent.

"'I just feel burned out,' Artie said. 'Nothing is set in stone, but it's something I'm seriously thinking about. The schedule is destroying me. I love the show, and I love the people. I'm just really concerned about my health.

"'I have to find a happy balance... none of this is going to be worth it if I drop dead at a Best Western in Milwaukee.'"


Or July 16, 2006, Isn't Artie Lange dead already?:

"'I am a guy who has struggled with every kind of addiction. I love gambling, and it has gotten me into trouble before. I love drugs and booze. The drugs finally had to go, but the booze is still very much in play. And you know I love broads.

"'I am definitely not someone who is embarrassed to get a hooker or two.'

"That quote is from Artie Lange in a sad story in today’s LA Times Calendar section; sad because it basically takes for granted that the schlubadub comic will eventually go the Chris Farley route, sad because it picks up with his once-public struggles where he left us hanging six months ago, and sad because the 12-step blasting, politically-incorrect and embarrassing honesty was a part of our weekday mornings before he and the rest of the Howard Stern radio team were swept into the Sirius Satellite Protection Program to play out radio’s most straight-talking radio show to a miniscule paying audience.

"...There’s Stern’s radio sidekick Artie, pressing the flesh in Vegas, picking up more standup gigs, TV appearances and lowbrow movie roles, living it up, blowing tens of thousands of dollars in casinos, hiring call girls, boozing away memories of his dad the paralyzed roofer, and blathering about hookers while counting down the hours until he winds up on the floor of a high roller’s suite with his pants around his ankles and swollen tongue jutting from his vomit-flecked lips...

“'I love gambling! I love drugs and booze! The drugs finally had to go, but the booze is still very much in play! I love broads! I am definitely not someone who is embarrassed to get a hooker or two!'

"...Sad. When we left off, Artie was holding it together with the first real girlfriend he’s ever had. The article lets us know it didn’t work out:

"'You know, I have never been that much in love with a woman before in my life. It is the most adult like I have ever felt in a relationship. We dated for 4 1/2 years. But it has been dying a slow, painful death. I think it might be officially over. It is very hard.'

"Sad."