McCain and Palin: It's to laugh

Tomorrow we go to the polls and vote in a whole new American era with the election of President Barack Obama. You've got to admit, the guy proved over the past two years that he's got what it takes, he's got a vision for the future, the economy and ending the war, and he kept his focus on the real issues while his cynical, crotchety opponent, with his dangerously unqualified demagogue running mate and the dark forces behind them, couldn't do much more than try to make everyone afraid of him. One of our favorite things about Barack Obama is how he simply brushes off the phony outrage too many of us fall back on, a falseness as fake as the enthusiasm supposedly intelligent conservative displayed over Sarah Palin.


This weekend, old John McCain showed that he'd given up, thrown in the towel, when he appeared on Saturday Night Live. The New York Times writes today about how he's whiling the final days by telling Henny Youngman jokes in quick succession. So let's go to the master, Chris Bearde, for a few days worth of McCain-Palin-Bush one-liners, just to rub it in, because those motherf*ckers deserve it:

McCain campaigns in 5 states, Joe the plumber campaigns in 5 agent’s offices and Palin campaigns with 5 couturiers.

McCain and Obama on Monday Night Football... John will use his long bomb bomb bomb.

Because McCain’s was funnier than Palin on Saturday Night live, she has hired writer Dennis Miller who lost his sense of humor during the sale of his integrity.

Desperate McCain accusing the entire Eastern Seaboard of being next to the sea.

Desperate Palin accuses Obama of being pals with people who have never worn American flag lapel pins.

After a Bush loyalist said of W: “He’s a good man who got a bad rap”… police arrested him for being under the influence of Dick Cheney.

Truth about Obama kicking Washington Times reporters off his plane: Not political... Bean Burritos.

Palin tells Hannity:
“Sean, where’s the really hard news …?”
Sean taken to the showers!!

Mormons put big bucks into anti gay amendment, they think marriage should only be between a man and lots of women.

McCain/Palin/Joe trailing in polls and brains.

Palin’s claims her first amendment rights violated... Sean Hannity goers crazy over Sarah being violated!

When McCain said Joe the Plumber was his “hero” it confirmed reports his new medications hasn’t kicked in.

McCain will use the “Twinkie Defense” when he loses.

A converted beer truck will be on its way to Arizona Tuesday night with a full load of anti depressants and a straight jacket.

Until her prime time interviews Palin thought syntax was something the IRS charged the Porno Industry.

Arnold stumping for McCain was praised for having a better understanding of English than Palin.

Palin accuses Joe of pimping her ride.

New revelations show that Chuck Norris, Hank Williams Jr, and Dennis Miller will join forces for the first “Joe the Plumber Lollapalooza Toilet Bowl.”

Joe’s first major concert appearance sees him lip syncing to any voice other than his own. In his honor Ted Nugent will bite the head off as life sized dummy of Keith Olberman.

59% think Palin is not qualified to be president and 96% say she’s not qualified to act like she thinks she is qualified.

A quarter of the people in Texas think Obama is a Muslim, this is the same quarter of the people in Texas who think Pamela Anderson is a virgin.

Texas… a state with its head in the sand and it’s asshole in Crawford.

McCain had to bring in a bus load of people to fill up the empty spaces at his rally at Starbucks.

Sarah Palin’s crowds have dwindled down to religious fanatics, race baiters and fashion designers.

The last black guy at a Palin stadium rally got the day of the ballgame wrong.

With such a short time before the elections McCain is using Joe the Plumber to bring in the frontal lobotomy crowd.

LAST MINUTE ACCUSATIONS!!

Palin has accused the entire state of California of being kinda gay looking and untrustworthy.

McCain is accusing everybody about everything he can think of.

Joe the Plumber accused Giuliani of being an ugly woman.

Palin accused Joe the Plumber of getting an agent and a recording contract before she does.

The Obscure Radical Professors of America Society accuse McCain of cherry picking.

I’m accusing McCain, Palin and Joe the Plumber of being “The New Three Stooges!”

Palin accuses the kids of Democrats of being the spawn of Satan.

Elvira accuses Cindy McCain of stealing her makeup.

And be sure to check out The Chris Bearde School of Comedy!

John McCain is a confused old man II

At least Richard Nixon knew where to find his plumbers.

Nudes: GOP scum target Obama's dead mother

"It may not be true, but fuck it! 'Cause they're both dead!
And if it ain't true, nobody'll know!"
--Tabloid Baby, pg 10

Everybody knows you don't go after a person's mother.
--Tabloid Baby, pg 428

We were waiting to see how low the McCain campaign would go in its desperate attempts to drag down Barack Obama, but of all the lowdown tactics pulled by the angry old prisoner of war and his embarrassing, shockingly unqualified, empty-vessel demagogue attack dog of a vice presidential candidate, we didn't expect they'd go after Obama's dead mother on the same day he'd taken time to visit his dying grandmother. The picture above and a couple of more like it were unearthed, probably doctored and leaked to some operative blogsite with the claim that the woman pictured could possibly have been Obama's mother, Ann Dunham Soetoro, with bizarre analysis equating jazz albums in the pictures to communist ties and possible questions about Obama's true paternity.

After all the scare tactics about Obama being a terrorist (and black!), this is what they were holding back? The photos have no potential possible effect on Obama's campaign, so the entire reason they were posted was to throw more mud. And with a week and a half until the election, it's frightening to consider what the GOP, Fox News and Bush family-- with their decades of connections to the bin Ladens of Saudi Arabia-- might try in an attempt to shift some votes away from the next President of The United States. These are the kinds of scumbags who've got to be left behind.

And so what if she did pose?

John McCain is a confused old man

This week in Pennsylvania. Is there any wonder they spread the phony story of the Pennsylvania McCain worker who'd claimed an Obama thug carved a "B" in her cheek? The story was an obvious fake-- the "B" was backwards (done in a mirror-- see Tabloid Baby, pg 25), but even so, Drudge left it up as his lead story for a day.

Ha!

Does this count as a "negative" ad? Very funny...

Dean Reynolds is the new face of network news arrogance, elitism and irrelevance

CBS News correspondent Dean Reynolds makes news by complaining about campaign creature comforts and deadlines through that hip yuppie thing called "blogging" on the CBS News site (the one that Katie Couric pretends to "blog" on):

"...The McCain folks are more helpful and generally friendly. The schedules are printed on actual books you can hold in your hand, read, and then plan accordingly. The press aides are more knowledgeable and useful to us in the news media. The events are designed with a better eye, and for the simple needs of the press corps...

"The McCain campaign plane is better than Obama's, which is cramped, uncomfortable and smells terrible most of the time. Somehow the McCain folks manage to keep their charter clean, even where the press is seated.

"The other day in Albuquerque, N.M., the reporters were given almost no time to file their reports after McCain spoke. It was an important, aggressive speech, lambasting Obama's past associations. When we asked for more time to write up his remarks and prepare our reports, the campaign readily agreed to it. They understood.

"Similar requests are often denied or ignored by the Obama campaign aides...."

Boo hoo hoo.

"My fellow prisoners": McCain's POW flashback

John McCain slips up, or is he cracking up?

And you thought we weren't serious when we said his POW experience is a reason he's unfit for the job of President.

"That One"?

Five years as a prisoner of war in Vietnam do not automatically qualify a man to become president. In fact, in the case of cranky, reckless, old cancer-riddled John McCain, it should disqualify him, and not only because the five years of brainwashing techniques he underwent still cause him to cringe at the sound of jangling keys.

The POW experience and determination to "rewin" Vietnam came out loud and strong in last night's debate when he referred to his opponent Barack Obama as "That One," a dehumanizing label that is not only outrageous and racist but surely stems from the treatment he received at the hands of his Congcaptors.

And don't get us started on that demagogue Sarah Palin. We're happy to be be recognized as the first new organization to compare her to Lonesome Rhodes.

The keys to why John McCain is not fit to lead

Getting political is the one thing that's guaranteed to be more polarizing to our readership than a year of posts tracking the Israel Baseball League. Sorry. This election is too important and the prospect of a John McCain-Sarah Palin victory-- or worse, Palin succeeding McCain after he dies in office-- isn't acceptable. So like the guys at Fox News who've used our tabloid techniques to advance their conservative agenda, or the morons at MSNBC who spout their liberal bile so clumsily under the leadership of that sad mental case Olbermann, we'll point our tabloid resources to help give this country a chance to right itself.

And the "mainstream" media is relying us on to do the dirty work. Last night on Bill Maher's show, CNN's Jeffrey Toobin said that despite the evidence, he'll "take their word" that Palin really did give birth to a Down Syndrome baby in April. He and his colleagues will give her a pass because it's beneath them to investigate such an issue. Thank God for the National Enquirer.

No worries. The truth will come out. And the weight of the scandals and issues surrounding Sarah Palin will result in her being dropped from the ticket.

The most important issue is the bellicose John McCain's mental health in light of his five and half years of extreme mental torture as a prisoner of war. Is he the real Manchurian Candidate? Or will he simply snap? McCain himself has laid out the clues.

We'll begin there.

John McCain, UK Daily Mail, 08 February 2008:

"Interrogations were regular events. The sound of jangling keys at night, or other irregular times, had the effect of unexpected gunfire. I shot bolt upright the moment I heard it, gripped by terror, my heart beating so loudly I thought it would be audible.

"In the years after I came home, I never suffered from post-traumatic stress syndrome. But I would tense up whenever I heard keys rattle, feeling the onset of an old fear come back to haunt me..."

From Salon, 22 May 2008:

"There are behaviors associated with the candidate that would be consistent with a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Author Robert Timberg mentions McCain's intense explosions of anger --- a hallmark sign of lingering mental trauma from war -- in his book 'John McCain: An American Odyssey.' Timberg describes the episodes as 'an eruption of temper out of all proportion to the provocation.' Timberg, who McCain has said 'knows more about me than I do,' wrote that McCain's sudden fury is a result of Vietnam coming 'back to haunt him.' McCain has himself described having an adverse reaction to the sound of jangling keys, which reminds him of his Vietnam jailers. McCain also told doctors that during solitary confinement he had strayed pretty "far out" and had referred to himself as 'mentally deteriorating'..."

Whites Only: Help us find the 36 black people at the Republican National Convention

Hey, here's something to chew over while trying to swallow John McCain's talk about "change":

Out of the 2,380 delegates at the Republican National Convention, thirty-six were black.

36.

Out of 2,380.

That's too bad. Because it would have been nice if Sarah Palin could have met a black person.