That's life: A car crash, not cancer, cirrhosis or a wife, kills Robert Schimmel

Robert Schimmel has been fighting non-Hodgkin lymphoma, cirrhosis and demons for a few years now. None of them could kill him. A car crash could. Schimmel died last night from injuries in an accident Thirsday on Highway 10 in Phoenix. He wasn't even driving. His 19 year-old daughter Aliyah was. She swerved and lost control. She's in stable condition.

Schimmel was a "dirty" comic and frequently hilarious. He said his hero was Lenny Bruce.

His life was a real comedy.

He married his first wife, Vicki, in 1977, and they had four children. Their son Derek died of cancer at age 11.

In 1998, he he suffered a heart attack. In June 2000, he was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin lymphoma. His treatments included chemotherapy and required long stays in the hospital. During one session, his daughter Jessica brought her best friend, Melissa, to visit, and he began an affair with Melissa, who was about half his age. When Schimmel's cancer went into remission,he broke off with Melissa and returned to Vicki. Schimmel then reunited with Melissa, and she got pregnant. He divorced Vicki and married Melissa. They had two sons.

During an interview on Howard Stern's private pay radio show on January 28, 2010, Schimmel revealed that he'd contracted cirrhosis as a result of a Hepatitis C infection from a blood transfusion and that he was trying to get on a waiting list for a donated liver.

On May 2, 2009, he was arrested for alleged domestic battery of Melissa. On May 8, 2009, Melissa Schimmel. The DA eventually declined to press charges.

We'll stop there. Robert Schimmel was booked to play the Improv in Kansas City this weekend.

He was 60.

Exploiting Artie Lange's suicide attempt

Aside from Howard Stern's word that his radio sidekick is still in "bad shape," there's been no word on the condition of comedian Artie Lange since his release from the hospital after he plunged a 13-inch Wolfgang Puck kitchen knife nine times into his corpulent abdomen in a suicide attempt on January 2nd, but the exploitation of the bloated, drug-addicted slovenly clown has moved from the insular world of satellite radio to the national stage.

The Comedy Central network will run Lange's Jack & Coke (as in "cocaine") standup special Saturday night at 10 pm, as it had already been schedule in November, but with the disingenuous statement from a Comedy Central spokesman: "The news about Artie is tragic, but we spoke to his camp and are excited to share with his fans the genius of his stand-up act and this never-seen-before special."

Lange's "camp," of course, are the ones who allowed the sad, disheveled comic to descend to such depths of degradation and self-hatred that he attempted to take his own life. The special, however, shows Lange in May 2009, when he was fresh out of rehab and momentarily sober.

Someone in that "camp" is also keeping Lange's name in the news for reasons other than his own shame with the posting of a clip of Lange's appearance on The Late Show with Conan O'Brien in 2008, in which he predicted O'Brien's demise as host of The Tonight Show.

Meanwhile Stern, who has exploited Lange's condition for years and pushed him in the name of comedy toward the brink of hopelessness and death, told his small band of Sirius radio listeners on Tuesday that he'd spoken with Lange, and revealed how much he cares about the tortured performer when he said:

"Artie and I ran out of shit to talk about in three seconds."

Stern rejected an offer to appear as a guest on Conan O'Brien's final week on The Tonight Show, claiming it would interfere with his private Sirius satellite radio schedule, but which was obvious attempt to avoid questions about his culpability in Lange's suicide attempt as well as his effort to keep the incident covered up.

UPDATE: In a development that took more than 24 hours to get past the satellite radio wall to the general public, it's being reported that Stern told a fellow Sirius deejay that he's been approached for, and considering, a return to mainstream, free, "terrestrial" radio. The move would only confirm what this site has been predicting for some time, as Stern has vanished from public consciousness and lost hundreds of thousands of fans, as evidenced by the lack of response from Stern fans to TabloidBaby's Stern postings compared to the past and despite our boom in site traffic.

Insider blasts Howard Stern's hypocrisy in Artie Lange suicide try

"Stern's nauseating rants over his love and support for Lange have become the only entertaining part of the once-popular radio show."

-- Chaunce Hayden

We've gotten the expected backlash from the last remaining servile fans of Howard Stern who've taken umbrage and offense-- and even called us "disrespectful"-- for suggesting that the former radio star's exploitation and humiliation of the heroin- and cocaine-addicted alcoholic, obese, slovenly pathetic comedian Artie Lange-- on air, in the privacy of satellite radio and in life-- may have contributed to the the self-hatred that led the 42-year-old self-described "baby gorilla" to stab himself nine times with a 13-inch Wolfgang Puck kitchen knife in an attempt to end his sad life.

It took a few days for the morons to find our posts and blast back their indignation from their mothers' basements, but they did respond, as we knew they would, because our statements that Howard Stern is no longer an important figure in popular culture since his sellout to a miniscule paid satellite radio audience is equivalent to leaving an open trash can in raccoon country. They pick up the scent and hop in with reasoned arguments like:

"You sir are a FuckNut!"

"your a fucking moron. Stern "invisible....ok, who else could have caused the merger of two satilite companys....and, pretty sure no one would pay to read your lame ass blog. Fuck u"

"You are a Fuck Nut as Robert said.. You have no clue of what the show is about and how Howard truly feels about Artie. Do you really listen to the show? I would say not, due to your lack of knowledge. Save the few brain cells you have remaining instead of burning them up on writing this shit blog!"

"Your completely uneducated rant about both Artie and Howard makes me sick. What is your problem? Howard has been nothing but caring and generous with Artie throughout his 9+ years on the show.... His problems are his own and have nothing to do with Howard. You are an idiot and shouldn't speak about things you don't know about. You obviously have no soul or compassion. Dick."

Etc.

So it's worth noting we're not alone in suggesting that the multimillionaire Stern take some responsibility for the deterioration of his fool that took place before his very eyes. In the new issue of his New Jersey nightlife magazine Steppin' Out, Tabloid Baby pal, gossip veteran and former Stern regular (until he misspoke, offended the former king and was banished) Chaunce Hayden lays it out in an editorial titled "Stern's No Bro":

"...Lange's 350th cry for help at the unmerciful expense of his mother really isn't surprising. What is surprising is the crap his boss, Howard Stern, has been spewing since TMZ first broke the news of Artie's latest performance. Stern's nauseating rants over his love and support for Lange have become the only entertaining part of the once-popular radio show. Even though Lange has showed up for work high, fell asleep on the air, attacked co-workers and lied about his absence, Stern has vowed to stand by his bro. So, it only makes sense that the caring 56-year-old radio personality would reach out to his troubled "bro" during Lange's personal turmoil but such off-air love is far removed from any Stern reality.


"Since Lange's failed suicide attempt, Howard has neither called nor visited his faux friend. I once reported that Stern was an asshole for blowing off producer’s Gary Dell'Abate's dad’s funeral. Stern angrily fired back, blaming his absence on his fiancé, Beth Ostrosky, claiming she sprained her ankle. Just curious who Stern will blame this time…"

Who really "hurt" Artie Lange?

There's been no word on the condition or whereabouts of obese, slovenly, alcoholic, heroin- and cocaine-addict comic Artie Lange since he was released from the hospital last week after attempting suicide with nine stabs of a 13-inch Wolfgang Puck kitchen knife. There have been many words of denial of responsibility by his (apparently former) boss Howard Stern, who hired Lange as a stooge on his private satellite radio show and used his sad antics and drunken, drugged antics as comic fodder (Stern's most hilarious comment after the suicide try was revealed was his claim that his two choices to replace jokewriter Jackie Martling were Lange and Jimmy Kimmel, as if Lange was chosen for his comedy chops and not ridicule ripeness). Saddest of all is a YouTube clip (above) Stern has been hyping and what's left of his fans have been crowing about: a bathetic series of Lange lowpoints set to Johnny Cash's painful version of Hurt (a song Stern pushed back when he was a radio star). The 50,000 viewings attest to Stern's invisibility (ten years ago, it would have generated five million), and despite the editor's (and the Stern crew's) attempt to tie Lange's nearly-fatal self-hatred and low self-esteem to a former girlfriend, the images attest to Stern's humiliation of the fat fool as being a major factor in his decision to try and gut himself dead.

Artie Lange's pig story isn't so funny now

The sad obese drug addict comedian Artie Lange played his addictions and his mother's concern for laughs on the Howard Stern satellite radio show a few years ago, while recalling the extent of his shame when a passing motorist observed him behind the wheel of a car, snorting cocaine through a prosthetic pig snout (at 5:40 in):

"I just wanted to kill myself! (I pictured) my mother holding me in her arms in the hospital. 'This is my son, This is my son!'"

The Stern crew isn't laughing so hard this week. It was Artie Lange's mother Judy who discovered her son unconscious and bleeding from nine stab wounds from a 13-inch Wolfgang Puck kitchen knife over the weekend, a discovery that gave her "baby gorilla" a new "stab" at life.

Artie Lange used a 13-inch Wolfgang Puck kitchen knife to stab himself nine times

Artie Lange stabbed himself nine times with a 13-inch Wolfgang Puck kitchen knife.

That word is from Hoboken, N.J. police detective Mark Competello, confirming the report from Page Six that Howard Stern's obese, drug-addicted, slovenly satellite radio "sidekick" and slurring comedian Artie Lange did indeed attempt suicide-- despite the enabling Stern's efforts that kept the incident under wraps for five days.


The detective says Lange's mother found him on the floor of his home on the waterfront on Saturday-- unconscious but breathing. The 42-year-old was taken to Jersey City Medical Center, where doctors cleaned nine abdominal knife wounds and operated.

He also says Artie Lange has been released from the hospital.

Listen to weaselly Howard Stern attack media, duck responsibility for Artie Lange's suicide attempt

Listen to former radio star Howard Stern tap dance in a very choreographed manner around the attempted suicide of his drug-addicted, besotted, obese loosely-comic "sidekick," Artie Lange. After years of facilitating, exploiting and egging on Lange's demons for entertainment and outrageousness for close to a decade, Stern begins by turning his anger on the news media for reporting a story he and those around him had covered up successfully for days, before insisting that the self-stabbing incident of an out-of-control comedian who has made a living by upping the ante on his dangerous and unhealthy drug use -- and with his July 2009 DUI arrest, shown to be endangering a public that would probably know him only as the unshaven, slovenly and inebriated buffoon who disrupts television talk shows-- is a "family matter" that Stern can sidestep comment about because he's part of the family.

Problem is, Stern's not part of "the family." He's a cynical show biz ringleading enabler who gets laughs out of the disabled and made his fat drunken drug addict "sidekick" the equivalent of a bear dancing on a hot plate. Only instead of striking back like circus elephants or Las Vegas tigers sometimes do, Artie Lange turned the violence on himself.


The Artie Lange suicide attempt is very sad, but not surprising considering the sad career we've chronicled. To hear Howard Stern say he didn't realize the extent of Lange's "demons," and is too "sick" to talk about it, and to hear his partner Robin Quivers tell him that commenting on the "It would be like the Johnsons coming on to talk about their daughter (recently-deceased lesbian socialite Casey Johnson), is to be astounded at the hypocrisy of the man once regarded to be a successor to Lenny Bruce and shows that Stern and crew have been trapped in their private bubble too long to come out.


Did Stern really think he could keep the story covered up? Does he think he has the power he once wielded as the "king" of media. Does he think he's dealing with the Las Vegas news media?

Artie Lange's attempt at suicide by stabbing places him in select company

Comedian Artie Lange's attempt to kill himself by stabbing with a knife, and not by drug overdose, roof jump or gunshot (he is, sadly but admittedly, too fat to hang from a shower curtain rod), places him in a sad yet select group.

Thanks to Wikipedia's list of notable suicides, our staff was able to research centuries notable deaths by one's own hand, and amid the hundreds of incidents, and dozens of hangings, shootings, drownings and other creative clog poppings, could not come up with more than eight suicides by stabbing in the past 99 years.

Now, because the act of stabbing oneself takes violent force, real determination and more than a quick slash of a razor, we discounted wrist-slashings

Marty Bergen (1900)
Mark Rothko (1970)
Diane Arbus (1971)

throat slittings

Robert Clive (1774)
Jacques Roux (1794)
Wolfe Tone (1798)
Jakub Jan Ryba (1815)
Samuel Whitbread (1815)
Robert Stewart, Viscount Castlereagh (1822)
Adalbert Stifter (1868)
Frances Ford Seymour (1950)
Kokichi Tsuburaya (1968)
Irv Rubin (2002)
Charles Rocket (2005)

or a combination of the two

Jack Thayer (1945)
Per Yngve Ohlin (a.k.a. Dead), (1991)

and have separated deaths by the Japanese samurai ritual seppuku ("stomach-cutting," performed by plunging a sword into the abdomen and moving the sword left to right in a slicing motion)

Minamoto no Yorimasa (1180)
Shibata Katsuie (1583)
Maresuke Nogi (1912)
Mitsuru Ushijima (1945)
Isamu Chō (1945)
Korechika Anami (1945)
Hatazo Adachi (1947)
Yukio Mishima (1970)

as well as the similar, ancient act of "falling on one's sword"

Dido (7th century B.C.)
Cato the Younger (46 BC)
Mark Antony (30 BC)
Otho (69)
Magnentius (353)

in order to narrow the celebrity suicide by stabbing list to

Italian writer Emilio Salgari (1911),
French violinist and composer Louis-Gabriel Guillemain (1770),
Dutch-born American film actor Lou Tellegen (1934) (scissors),
Swedish author Harry Martinson (1978), (by scissors),
Leader and singer of Québec band Les Colocs Dédé Fortin (2000),
Singer songwriter Elliott Smith (2003),
British actress Fritha Goodey (2004), British actress
and British author, illustrator and cartoonist Harry Horse (2007).


Most well-known in tabloid pop culture is Elliott Smith, who died on October 21, 2003, at age 34 from two stab wounds to the chest. His live-in girlfriend says the two were arguing when he she locked herself in the bathroom to take a shower, heard him scream, and upon opening the door, saw Smith standing with a knife in his chest. She pulled the knife out, after which he collapsed, she called 911, and he died. The official autopsy report released in December 2003 left open the question of possible homicide.


Fritha Goodey was a British actress best known in the States for her role as one of Hugh Grant's girlfriends in the film, About A Boy. She had struggled for years with anorexia before stabbing herself in the chest on September 7, 2004.


Harry Horse, it seems, went a bit bonkers in the end. His wife Mandy had been terminally ill with multiple sclerosis when he stabbed her 30 times before killing their pets and stabbing himself until he bled to death. Their bodies were discovered on January 10, 2007.

We're glad Artie Lange survived to take another stab... at life.

Artie Lange stabbed himself nine times

"Sad" is a word we've used often about Artie Lange, the boisterous, schlubadub comic who's made his drug addiction and obesity his shtick and who for years has provided cruel laughter from his boss, former radio star Howard Stern. This morning, with the report that his recent unexplained hospital stay was not for the expected overdose or deterioration, but a suicide attempt in which he stabbed himself nine times, "sad" no longer seems to do it.

We don't hear much about Howard Stern, the radio king of the 1980s and '90s who left the pop culture stage for paid satellite radio in a forgivable greedy leap hundreds of millions of dollars. Since he went undercover, his show has gone on unnoticed, floating a press release to the surface every now and then (like this morning's Huffington Post item, highlighting a 1989 interview with pre-fame Jennifer Aniston), or more recently, relying on an out-of-control chat show appearance by the lugubrious Lange.


A few years ago, Stern's defection and his coldhearted use of Artie Lange as a death-headed stooge was a major topic of debate on this site. Sadly, as the show faded farther into irrelevancy, Lange slid off the radar screen.

Until today, when the reason for his secret hospitalization is revealed to have been a suicide attempt in which Lange reportedly stabbed himself nine times (three "hesitation wounds" and three deep plunges through the rolls of fat and layers of swollen tissue in attempt to die). His boss Stern, surely aware of the facts before the rest of the world, coolly told his band of listeners this week:

"Artie has given this show tremendous moments of great comedy. He's a tremendous contributor. He is a good man. Don't forget how great he is."

Without a hint of culpability.


Artie Lange is alive, for now, and though he's avoided the Death of The Day tribute, we look into our archive, to remind readers that the shocking news that Stern's fat flailing 42-year-old fool had stabbed himself nine times is not so shocking at all-- at least not on May 27th, 2007, when we posted A rotten weekend for Howard Stern:

"In his years on the Stern show, Artie has battled heroin addiction, ballooned to more than three hundred pounds and kept up a grueling stand-up comedy schedule-- all to the amusement and encouragement of his boss, who's used Artie's troubles as comic and soap opera fodder. Artie says a doctor recently told him that if he doesn't change his lifestyle, Tabloid Baby's prediction of his Farley-Belushi-Anna Nicole-style death is imminent.

"'I just feel burned out,' Artie said. 'Nothing is set in stone, but it's something I'm seriously thinking about. The schedule is destroying me. I love the show, and I love the people. I'm just really concerned about my health.

"'I have to find a happy balance... none of this is going to be worth it if I drop dead at a Best Western in Milwaukee.'"


Or July 16, 2006, Isn't Artie Lange dead already?:

"'I am a guy who has struggled with every kind of addiction. I love gambling, and it has gotten me into trouble before. I love drugs and booze. The drugs finally had to go, but the booze is still very much in play. And you know I love broads.

"'I am definitely not someone who is embarrassed to get a hooker or two.'

"That quote is from Artie Lange in a sad story in today’s LA Times Calendar section; sad because it basically takes for granted that the schlubadub comic will eventually go the Chris Farley route, sad because it picks up with his once-public struggles where he left us hanging six months ago, and sad because the 12-step blasting, politically-incorrect and embarrassing honesty was a part of our weekday mornings before he and the rest of the Howard Stern radio team were swept into the Sirius Satellite Protection Program to play out radio’s most straight-talking radio show to a miniscule paying audience.

"...There’s Stern’s radio sidekick Artie, pressing the flesh in Vegas, picking up more standup gigs, TV appearances and lowbrow movie roles, living it up, blowing tens of thousands of dollars in casinos, hiring call girls, boozing away memories of his dad the paralyzed roofer, and blathering about hookers while counting down the hours until he winds up on the floor of a high roller’s suite with his pants around his ankles and swollen tongue jutting from his vomit-flecked lips...

“'I love gambling! I love drugs and booze! The drugs finally had to go, but the booze is still very much in play! I love broads! I am definitely not someone who is embarrassed to get a hooker or two!'

"...Sad. When we left off, Artie was holding it together with the first real girlfriend he’s ever had. The article lets us know it didn’t work out:

"'You know, I have never been that much in love with a woman before in my life. It is the most adult like I have ever felt in a relationship. We dated for 4 1/2 years. But it has been dying a slow, painful death. I think it might be officially over. It is very hard.'

"Sad."

Ryan Seacrest's former American Idol cohost Brian Dunkleman is sitting on his own multi-million dollar goldmine

Word that Ryan Seacrest signed a well-deserved $45 million deal to host three more seasons of American Idol has apparently led to a barrage of Brian Dunkleman jokes on Twitter, the radio and across the universe (Tabloid Baby pal Nili informs us that "Howard Stern was making fun of Brian Dunkleman on his show today... Artie Lange said he was doing stand up in Peoria and Howard said he was cutting coupons out of the Pennysaver...") Dunkleman was Seacrest's cohost on the first season of American idol, but quit the show-- yes, he quit-- because he thought it was "mean to kids."

On the surface, Dunkleman has not achieved the same level of success as his former cohost, but he has carried on an is sitting on a multimillion dollar goldmine in the form of a scripted comedy series about his travails, mishaps and public persona called American Dunkleman. Check out the trailer above and, agent and network pals, set up a meeting.

Now The New York Times catches up with Tabloid Baby's coverage of Howard Stern's irrelevance and probable return to free radio

We've been discussing the disappearance and irrelevance of former radio star Howard Stern for about three years now, since he abandoned his loyal audience for a cashout in the private world of pay satellite radio. All signs have pointed to Stern's eventual return to free radio and this year's proliferation of free Internet radio is hastening the eventuality.

The Los Angeles Times followed our lead in October. This morning, the New York Times shared the writing on the wall.

Some highlights:

The New York Times
December 28, 2008

Satellite Radio Still Reaches for the Payday

By TIM ARANGO

DID you hear what Howard Stern said the other day? Neither did we. But we read about it on a blog.

Mr. Stern, the ribald radio jock who once commanded attention with each off-color utterance and obscene joke, mused recently on the air that he was thinking of retiring when his contract expires in two years. “This is my swan song,” he said.

Back in the day when Mr. Stern was on free radio and had an audience of 12 million, that remark would have cascaded through the media universe. But by switching to satellite radio three years ago, Mr. Stern swapped cultural cachet for big money.

Then — poof! — Mr. Stern all but disappeared. Even Jay Leno, during a recent interview with The New York Times about his decision to stay at NBC to host a prime-time show, cited Mr. Stern as an example of the dangers of obscurity.

…Mr. Stern’s retirement chatter did get one group talking: investors fretting over the fate of Sirius XM Radio, the satellite radio company that has been Mr. Stern’s home for the past three years.

Today, five months after regulators approved a merger of Sirius and XM, satellite radio’s pioneers and former rivals, in a deal that was supposed to deliver their industry to the promised land of profits and permanence, the company faces an uncertain future.

Although Mr. Stern brought listeners and prominence to Sirius, the move had a steep cost. His blockbuster, $500 million, five-year deal fueled a high-stakes competition between the two services that contributed to Sirius XM’s current bind.

…The company has never turned a profit and cannot predict when it ever will. Cap that with the struggles of Detroit — the bulk of new satellite radio subscribers come from partnerships with automakers — and you have a set of obstacles that Sirius XM has to overcome at the very moment the recession seems to be deepening.

The satellite radio industry… is facing a media environment that is shifting toward cheaply distributed content over the Internet.

…Who needs satellites… when the world is wired for broadband and Wi-Fi?

Mel Karamzin, the combative, longtime radio man who is the company’s chief executive… asks: “Would I like to have seen Howard get less money? Yes. But I think any company that deals with content would say the same thing.”

Mr. Karmazin, when asked if he thinks Mr. Stern has lost his place in the culture, says: “I think the size of the audience is less today. And I think one of the things Howard was looking forward to with the merger is that we’ll have twice as many subscribers potentially available to listen to him.”

Mr. Stern declined to be interviewed for this article, but his travails are emblematic of satellite radio and Sirius XM’s own shrinking horizons.

It seems that if Mr. Stern were to stay beyond his current contract, which expires at the end of 2010, he would have to accept less money, given the finances of the company and the fact that there are no longer two satellite radio companies battling each other…

“I’m starting to think that he might actually retire,” says Mark Mercer, who since the mid-1990s has written a daily blog about the Stern show, which has become a nearly minute-by-minute account of each program.

…Even Mr. Mercer, as diehard a Stern fan as there is, acknowledges that Mr. Stern’s gig doesn’t have the same influence it once did.

“Once you get used to hearing it on Sirius, it’s not as shocking as it was when you heard him on terrestrial radio and they’d be bleeping him out,” he says.

Regarding Howard: The "mainstream" media catches up with Taboid Baby on Stern's irrelevance and probable return to "free" radio

We've been writing for a couple of years about Howard Stern's irrelevance that began the moment he left free radio and sold out to a paid satellite system, and have predicted that he would eventually return in some form to "free FM." Now the "mainstream" media, in the form of The Los Angeles Times, is catching up. Greg Braxton writes in tomorrow's paper:

Howard Stern loses listeners--
and influence -- on satellite radio

Howard Stern, the self-proclaimed King of All Media, has lost his crown.

The shock jock's syndicated morning radio show once drew a national audience of 12 million, but since jumping to satellite radio three years ago, his listeners have dwindled to a fraction of that. Where once Stern routinely commanded a parade of Hollywood's hottest stars -- George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Julia Roberts -- today publicists are left to tout studio appearances by the likes of Chevy Chase, Joan Rivers or Hulk Hogan.

Stern, weary of fighting the Federal Communications Commission over hefty fines and charges of indecency on his terrestrial show, wanted creative independence on the unregulated airwaves of satellite. He got it -- and a lucrative five-year contract worth hundreds of million of dollars.

But for a 54-year-old man who once likened his youthful craving for media attention to a heroin addiction, the move may have come with unintended consequences. Along with the loss of a massive daily radio audience, Stern has also watched as his past triumphs of a hit movie, bestselling books and huge pay-per-view television specials recede into memory.

So far, the radio personality's leap from traditional media to a niche platform has come at a heavy price -- namely, cultural relevancy. Unlike an Arianna Huffington, who vastly increased her reach on her upstart website, Stern's place in the national conversation has been reduced to a murmur in the din of the exploding entertainment universe.

"It's like Howard went from playing Madison Avenue to playing an upscale off-Broadway concert hall for a lot of money," said Tom Taylor, executive news editor at Radio-Info.com, which tracks the radio industry. "He made a Faustian bargain. He got everything he wanted in terms of money and not being bothered by the FCC, but he lost the bulk of his audience."

...Radio analysts... estimated the actual size of Stern's daily satellite audience to be between 1 million and 2 million.

Stern's program today is much like it was.... and despite the enhanced autonomy, the language is only a bit more coarse and the sexual discussions slightly more explicit.

"The show has a lot of sameness, though he definitely has a lot more freedom now," Taylor said. "There's a sense talking to the people who know him that he is aware that he's isolated. But he knew this would happen."

With a reduced audience, Stern's show is no longer a prime stop on the major film promotion circuit. And the A-list guests who used to submit to Stern's biting personal questions in order to hype their projects have become scarce...

It's a far cry from previous years, when from the bully pulpit of his radio show, Stern anointed himself as "The King of All Media"...

Since Stern's departure from terrestrial radio, rumors have periodically circulated that the shock jock will return to his terrestrial radio roots. Stern has dismissed the talk, but his current contract expires in 2010. What then?

Howard Stern regular dies and nobody hears

If a
Howard Stern
sidekick
drops dead
and nobody
hears about it,
is he really dead?

Well, it's happened, but who would know? Or care? Gosh, has it really been that long since Howard was relevant-- or even real? For you younger readers growing up in an aural wasteland dominated by the likes of the surprisingly pliable and recently feminized monotonal bore Adam Carolla (he now plays the “modern woman” to his pre-liberation sidekick Teresa Strasser and Eighties pop culture gal “Bald Brian”) there was a time when the radio personality was a vital force in pop culture, with his radio show debated on television and in print and the comings and goings of his subsidiary characters like Jackie The Jokeman and Stuttering John treated like characters on a radio reality show.

But since Howard sold out his fans and moved to private pay radio, he works in a vacuum. Forgotten by the mainstream and occasionally popping up in the media few days after the fact, thanks to a vigorous PR efforts and public displays of inebriation by his pathetic sidekick Artie Lange (whose phony on-air explosion and possible "firing" was an obvious publicity stunt before a vacation a couple of weeks back), whose sad claim to fame is being at the top of most Celebrity Death Pools.

But another Stern player has beaten Artie to the punch. Kenneth Keith Kallenbach, the hippie burnout who parlayed his Stern exposure into other appearances, died in jail last week (he'd been arrested for pulling an underage girl into his car-- looks like Howard didn't bail him out). The death was announced Thursday on Howard’s private show, but news from Stern's hideout travels as quickly as it did in the days of Pony Express.

Who would know if we didn’t mention it here?

Free advice for radio host Adam Carolla

#101: When doing a phone interview with a heavyweight comedian like Larry The Cable Guy, don't cut him off and then keep him on hold for four minutes while you go into a bit about comics being forced to do the acts of others, cracking yourself up the entire time while Larry's mic is shut off. Generosity is a key to being a good radio host and getting guests in the future.

Note to his "news girl" and self-proclaimed "co-host" Teresa Strasser: While it certainly serves you well to polish the apple of your sexist boss Carolla by chirping in with repetitive words of reinforcement, as in...

Carolla: "Larry, we have to do a television show where every comedian has to spin a wheel and do the other comedian's act..."
Strasser: "The wheel of comedy!"
Carolla: "Blather blather blather..."

...this is not exactly Robin Quivers-level radio work.

Adam Carolla, the personal trainer-turned-quasicomic and former sex show wisecracker who was handed Howard Stern's radio slot in LA and a few other markets two long years ago and has driven it into the ground ever since, has recently shown himself open to change, with a reported feminization of his anti-entertainment show and a very "gay" upcoming stint on Dancing with the Stars. So we're sure he'll be open to suggestuons from a group of frequent listeners.

Stay tuned here for more Free Advice for Radio Host Adam Carolla...